21 FATFAR Countdown Clock

Warning: Results May Vary

8.10.2005

Restart

Sarah Dekay hates me. She hates me because she thinks I was an idiot to kiss Emily that night a long time ago. She hated my course of action. She hates me a lot. I kept thinking about it. And I started playing Swallowed By The Sea by Coldplay and all the feeling rushed back to me. I don't know what I saw in Emily. Now I just see a friend. I guess the feelings faded away.

Her "boyfriend", Lloyd, is very strange. For one thing, I don't think he exists. He sounds exactly like Emily. I don't know how she's doing it, but she is. At least, I think so.

I think Ryan is jealous of me. I think I'm not careful when I mention things, because he has very low self-esteem, and I forget that sometimes. He puts himself down a lot. I just get the feeling he is envious of me. What he says implies it, but I try to ignore it and change the subject.

I feel very down. I don't know why. I have everything I could ever want. But I feel empty. Just a little, though.

By the way, this is goodbye. I'm starting a new screenname on Blogger, with a new blog. And I'm not going to tell you the address. I'm tired of not being able to say everything I want because I'm afraid of hurting someone. I'm supposed to be free here, but I'm still restrained. So goodbye, ryter221.blogspot.com, and hello to a new beginning. Alone.

8.07.2005

867-5309

Hey. Finally, I'm back to writing on my blog. First, let's start with camp. Camp was goodish. Some parts were great, and some were kinda boring. I made a bunch of friends and I met someone who's going to TJ, so I'll see him next year. I finally got to make a movie with different angles of shots, which is really cool. I also used Final Cut Pro, which is extremely cool to use. I almost got in serious trouble for being out of bed really late, all because I listened to a song. (Don't ask.) I played this really cool computer game with everyone else. I played Soul Meets Body a million times. And then I came home. It wasn't the best camp experience, but it was fun.

On Saturday, I woke up really early to go with my parents to the grand opening of the new Apple store in the Pentagon City Mall. It was a nice store, but not so huge, I got a free Apple T-shirt, though! After I came back, I had to sleep so I wouldn't be so tired for Jon's birthday party. Sadly, I didn't know it was Jon's birthday, so I didn't bring a gift. But I am definitely getting him one. We went to Dave & Buster's, and I won a load of tickets. I traded them in for a bunch of crap, but we had fun. Alex let his hair grow long, so now he looks like a skater guy man person. Mikey, Rachel's brother, sounds and looks just like her, only in guy form. Jon is pretty much the same, but I really wish he hadn't failed 7th grade. Even though he wouldn't be going to my school anyways, he seems pretty bummed out he's just now going into 8th grade. I really hope he does well.

For a second, Leighton re-entered my life. Alex called him last night on my phone, and I found out he was the anonymous poster from my blog today. Oh crap. Another coincidence. I just happen to be in a car with Alex when he just happens to call Leighton the day he leaves an anonymous comment on my blog. Wow. That's not the most recent coincidence, though. At camp, on Monday, we pass a clock on a pole, and the time is 3:09. The next day, at breakfast, Mason, the guy who is going to TJ, tells me his room number is 309. The same day, at around 11, one of my roommates, Joe, tells me his room last year was 309. Then the next day, Wednesday, we're playing Uno, when someone plays a 3, and I think, it would be really weird if someone played a 0 and then a 9. And then someone plays a skip, whose symbol is an O. And then someone plays a 9. 309. Very freaky. I think I might start a new blog filled with all the coincidences that happen to me. It's strange. Very strange...

Well, that's all for now, so I'll leave you with a simple quote to remember me by: "Hey Anony! Why don't you go write a poem or something and not attribute it to yourself???"

Thanks for listening.

7.27.2005

Apple Of My Eye

OK. It finally happened. After months and months of waiting, planning, deciding, and not having anything happened, I finally took the plunge. I bought an iMac. The 17" 2.0gHz model with SuperDrive, to be exact. I used my dad's student discount to buy this with Applecare, plus an iPod mini with Applecare, for which we will get the full price back because of the special offer you get when you buy a Mac. I'm writing this post on this computer. Everything is so different, yet so great. iChat rocks, except for the fact that you can't sort them into groups. Garageband KICKS ASS!!! I already made one song, which was pretty bad, but I liked it. iCal and Address Book are handy, and the DVD Player is great. The graphics rock, and the audio is suprisingly good. I love the Mac interface and everything, but getting used to control-clicking and te opion key instead of control is going to take getting used to. So everything has been normal. We've been looking into other country camps, mainly France, for next summer. But they're all very expensive or require a group tour. I did find one good one, but I keep forgetting to show my parents. I didn't get Final Cut Express because the offer went away suddenly, but I'll get it eventually. I still have to buy .mac, iSight, Microsoft Office S&TE, and Final Cut Express. But I'm so happy! I'm ecstatic!! Well, I have to get back to screwing with this computer. That.. didn't.. sound.. right. I meant messing with it. :D Thanks for listening!

7.23.2005

The New Year

Hey guys! John just got a new buddyprofile, so I thought I'd check out my old one and update it. So I went on and deleted the dumb stuff, updated a little, and found one page I wrote on January 1, 2005 about 2004. I was really excited, cause I've always wished I had something I wrote that day, 12 days before my first blog post. So here is what I wrote that day, before the messy friendships, new bands, and second semester of the school year. I grammar-and-spelling fixed it, and added punctuation and crap.

The End of the Year that Brought Us Nipplegate, the Cockroach-Eating iPod Guys, the Shout Heard 'Round the World and a False Idol
(That would be Jackson, Dean, and Hung, by the way)

Well, it’s January 1st, 2005 and I was bored, so I figured I’d start my buddyprofile off with a new entry thingamajiggy. Yeah, I said thingamajiggy. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever said that non-word. I LOVE NON-WORDS, like emans and burb and kevnig! So... well, props to my friends, especially if you got a present from me, then that means your a good friend of mine, and especially to school people, like my best friends Ashleigh and Leighton, and my oldest friends, Mike, Spencer, Abbey, Katie, James, Brian and Amanda, and also to Carly and Ben and Rachel and my new friends from more recent years, and also to camp people, like Nick, Jason, Mike, Austin, Matt, Alex, Tom, Fagnoni, Sarah, Sara, Brynn, Mimi, Carolyn, and everyone else who I forgot (sorry)! Yeah, also go every band I like, which are 3 Doors Down, A Perfect Circle, Alanis Morisette, Alien Ant Farm, American Hi-Fi, the Ataris, Autopilot Off, Barenaked ladies, Bit Shifter, Bjork, Blink-182, Breaking Benjamin, Bruce Springsteen, Coheed and Cambria, Coldplay, Counting Crows, the Darkness, Dashboard confessional, Dave Matthews Band, David Gray, Dido, evanesence, Eve6, Finger Eleven, Fuel, Green Day, Hoobastank, Hot Hot Heat, Incubus, Interpol, Jamiroquai, jason mraz, jet, Jimmy Eat World, Keane, the Killers, Lifehouse, Lit, Lostprophets, Luce, Maroon 5, Matchbox Twenty, Michael Jackson, Michelle Branch, Midtown, Moby, Modest Mouse, My Chemical Romance, Nickelback, Nirvana, Oasis, the Offspring, Phantom Planet, the Postal Service, Puddle of Mudd, Queen, Queens of the Stone Age, R.E.M., the Rasmus, Saliva, Shaggy, Simple Plan, Sixpence None the Richer, Smile Empty Soul, Snow Patrol, Staind, Story of the Year, the storkes, Susanne Vega, Switchfoot, Taking Back Sunday, Ted-Leo and the Pharmacists, Three Days Grace, Train, Trapt, Tweaker, U2, Vertical Horizon, the Verve, the Vines, Weezer, Yellowcard, and any other bands I forgot! Plus, go my Sidekick and my iPod! Also, hooray for writing and I really hope I’m a good author, and also, go our bus driver, Ms. Trisha, cause she drives us 2 school and she’s nice, kinda! Plus, go quotes that randomly are created when something hilarious happens! But boo Mr. Margenau, who technically I could sue for slander, and boo to chores and cleaning and slow internet and no service areas and broken glasses and annoying computer programs and faulty and drives and slow internet and stupid AIM error messages! So there’s my stuff and I don’t think I have any resolutions because I don’t believe in that stuff. Also, YES, I AM ATHEIST and if you don’t like it, deal. Also, please, people, if I don’t like someone (cough, cough, Matt) and you (cough, cough, Morgan) want to make me and that person friends, don’t. Also, I wish everyone a great new year, even though people want a short quick buddyprofile and they’ll never get this far down, and if you did, I congratulate you. That’s my letter to you people!

So there ya go. The first thing I wrote in 2005. I'm gonna change "buddyprofile" to "blog" and put it up as the first post. No, actually I'm not. But I'll leave it here for everyone to read. Also, the entropy level keeps rising. More coincidences. I went to see The Island today, which, by the way, was really good, and in the movie, one guy is describing the head boss guy, saying he has a "god complex". And guess what song has the same words in it? The song we sung the entire time at camp and the song I haven't been able to stop listening to since I got back. In Sugar, We're Goin Down by Fall Out Boy, a line in the chorus says, "A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it." Very weird. And piled on top of that, today, my parents went to the mall and wanted to buy me new shoes, but I really liked my current sneakers, so my mom suggested she buy the same pair, but new ones, of course. So I said OK and she told me to write down the model information. I pick up the shoe and the model number is 405. The same name of a song by a band whose album and DVD I had preordered yesterday. Death Cab For Cutie. This is getting out of control. Well, ta ta for now, but I thought I would alarm you about more freaky coincidences like the recent ones. Watch out. You never know when the lentils and rice will seperate. Thanks for listening.

7.22.2005

Time Of Our Lives

I'm back! I am back from camp for an entire week! And how wrong I was about everything. Everything was so sucky from Sunday to Tuesday. I really wasn't gonna come back and wanted to leave. Man, was I wrong. All it took was a dance to change everything. Stupid Arielle, aka Castgirl, asked me and I decliend. Nicely, of course. Brynn asked me for her friend, Jamie, but I didn't want to go with anyone, but I said I'd save her a dance. But when, after standing around like a moron for half an hour at the dance, Brynn pulled me over, we started dancing. If you can call it dancing. I was a drunk doing the Hokey Pokey. But I headbanged, jumped, cha-cha slid, Cotton Eye Joe'd, leaned back, 1, 2 stepped, and danced the night away. I danced with Brynn, Stephanie, Jenny, and mostly Jamie, who was really cool. I had a ton of fun and she said it made her day, since it was her birthday. I stopped worrying about Sara and said hi without shaking. On Thursday, things got way better. They still though I was weird, but we were all friends by now. Tito got used to the ruining things, and we dealt with John's smell. We won the Colony Olympics by a long shot, and had an awesome time doing it. We rocked, danced, had a basketball shootout, we talked, laughed, ran, jumped, slid, screamed, clapped, and had fun. We had an awesome time, and I SO am coming back next year. Another one of the best weeks of my life. I can't wait to come back for the last time. And who knows? Maybe I'll be a CIT when I turn 16. I just can't wait. This year was the most freaking awesome week and I just can't describe the amount of fun it was. It just puts a smile on my face. I hope to see you camp people next year!!! Thanks for being so freaking awesome!!!!!!!!!!! :D

7.19.2005

Imperfections

I don't know what's wrong with me. Everything is going wrong. I want so much to just break down right now, but Nick is in here and he's too happy. I had the perfect chance this week to do everything right. To be me and show the real me. But all I did was wreck everything by being the person I hate. I was the person I always am when I'm with new people. I try to make myself interesting by adding quirks about me that don't exist. Just to be more "interesting". But all I do is make people hate me or think I'm a jerk or weird or gay or stupid or annoying. I show off without realizing it and make jokes no one laughs at. I try so hard to impress people that I just alienate myself from them. I ruin everything. I know Nick hates me, but he's too nice to say it. Our counseler thinks I'm weird and so do John, Paul, and Kevin. I don't even care what they think, but I want to be the perfect person for just a day. An hour. A minute. A second. All you can expect is a few moments of perfection, but not even that do I deserve. I just want everything to go right for once. It doesn't help that I'm the youngest of the people I "hang out" with. The only girl I was thinking of going with is extremely annoying. I get nervous whenever I see Sara, and everyone keeps telling me to go with one of them. I don't even want to go. And all I can do is continue to lie about everything: my feelings, my wants, my past, my life. One fix to fix a fix to fix a fix to fix a fix until I don't even know what the original problem was. Not even my overpowering optimism is showing. I just want this week to be over. So I can go back to the people who know the real me. The people who I don't have to lie to. The people that I care about. My friends. I propose a toast. To leaving on Friday. And to being back to normal with my friends. Thanks for listening.

7.17.2005

Camptown

Its very strange. A few weeks before camp started, I saw Donnie Darko, an extremely strange, but wickedly awesome, psychological thriller starring Jake Gyllenhal. Near the end of the movie, a song plays during the final scene, called Mad World. This song was originally created by Tears For Fears, but this version was performed by Gary Jules. The song is only available on the soundtrack, so most people either don't remember it or have never heard it. The day I arrived to camp, I saw a man who reminded me of Donnie Darko. Even though he looked nothing like Jake Gyllenhal, for some reason, he vaguely reminded me of Donnie. Then, today, during a melodramatic magic trick by our evening entertainment, he played Mad World. The Not-Widely-Known Gary Jules version. Add this to the coincedence that my roommate shares the EXACT same name and nickname as last year and the strange stuff that had been happening before I left, and I'd say we have a real high entropy level.

Other than that, and the fact that I've only been eating grilled cheese's, my stomach hurts, I keep forgetting my water bottle, and the sweltering heat and humidity is killing me, it's been great. Since Sara, my dance partner, aka date, from last year is never looking up when I am looking up at her and we still haven't said hi, a girl who was flirting with me, Arielle, is probably gonna be my date for Wednesday. My digital photography class is great, as is my chemistry class. All we did in chem is play Uno, so that was fun. My roommate, Nick, is 15, even though he doesn't look it. He is quiet-ish and he doesn't bother me, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me. I dunno why. Well, I gotta go. But I'll keep you posted on what's happening later! Thanks for listening.

7.16.2005

Field of Dreams

I just woke up from the weirdest and longest dream I've ever had and I have to write it down before I forget.

It started out with me having just moved to a creepy old house, and for some reason, my entire family was in one bedroom. Across the hall was a bathroom and we started to hear clanging from the bathroom. My mom and I went to go check it out and we saw a ghost, so I tried to catch it, but it disappeared. I was like "Well, at least it's gone." but my mom said it was still there, under the window curtain. I pressed into the curtain with my hands and the image of a person stuck out, so I took the curtain, wrapped it around the ghost, tied it up, and folded it a million times until it was really small. (I can't remember what we did to the ghost, but then, my dream cut to me and my brother in a treehouse in out backyard.) I was explaining to someone, like Ferris Beuller does in his movie, that my brother was semi-deranged and I also told them how my sister didn't live withus anymore because she was quadripeligic and smoked pot and was really bad and stuff so they sent her to boarding school. (I can't remember what happened next, but I know it was scary and involved my brother. Then the dream cut to me, older, as a computer consultant.) I was quitting my job and yelling at my boss in his face, literally, nose to nose, how much I hated him and stuff. Then for some reason, I was a male model. And I was playing tennis on a hillside estate with someone who appeared to be my friend, I guess. Then I was dating a Latin singer who had a dress on whenever I saw her. Then I was in a store, in front of a cardboard thing, advertising camping gear and I was the model in the advertisement. I was with the singer and we were talking about how famous we'd gotten but how we'd had to hire 2,000 replacement look-alikes of ourselves while we went on a vacation together. Then we were having dinner at what seemed to be a museum with a really tall ceiling. And we were talking about stuff and I think I said something bad, cause she started yelling and saying that if I couldn't commit to this relationship, there wouldn't be one to commit to. And she jumped over a railing and started singing and dancing with about 100 people who were all coordinated and sychronized, including a Mexican mariachi band. (And I think she was singing a Gloria Estefan song, but I'm not sure.) Then after the song ends, my parents walk by, and my dad says "Thanks for the dinner. I'm glad you would even wear us." (Which I guess meant I didn't really make time for them or didn't want to be seen with them or something.) Then I was back in my computer consulting office, begging for my job back, and I got it. And then I think a year passed, and I was planning to reconcile with my ex-girlfriend, but I woke up. (The part right after I get my job back is kinda hazy.)

As I said, the weirdest and longest dream ever. I always forget dreams like 220 minutes after I had them, so I always try to write them down immediately. Like once, I was calling out someone's name when I was half-asleep, and I couldn't remember the name, even while I was whispering it. But usually, if I write it down fast enough, I can have a record of it. Well, thanks for listening.

7.15.2005

Paper Street

OK. Wow. Strange. Really good. I just finished reading Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. That movie with Brad Pitt and Edward Norton is based on this book. Chuck also wrote that book, Haunted, with the story about Saint Gut-Free. When I found out Chuck was the one who wrote Fight Club, I decided I had to read it. And boy, was I right. Wow. Another amazing novel. It's told in the weirdest way ever, but in a good way. He really captures the essence of Tyler and his friend in a weird way, where even though "they" are the strangest of characters, you can somehow relate. The ending leaves a bit to be wanted, but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. And even though it doesn't have suspense in the typical sense, you just really want to keep reading it. I really reccomend this book to anyone. I really love Chuck's books, and I had already started Survivor, also by him, before I started Fight Club, and it's good so far, too. It's told in a similar fashion as Fight Club. I really encourage you to read it.

Also, I forgot to mention in my last post that it was my 6-month anniversary. And I won't be publishing my novel on that other blog, because I read about some copyright issues and crap and techincal stuff, so just take my word for it. And lastly, I won't be buying my computer until September 20, because the Mac Expo in Paris' keynote willl be on that day, and since last year at the Paris Mac Expo, they announced the new iMacs, people think it's likely they'll anounce a new design change for the iMacs this year as well. So that's it. Thanks for listening.

7.13.2005

Crash

OK. Freaky-tiki stuff going on around here. This morning, at around 1 A.M., I awoke to the sound of my mom frantically talking to someone on the phone. Shocked by what time it was, I yelled downstairs to ask what was going on. My mom yelled for me to come and see, and shockingly, a large SUV had apparently lost control, swerved, and landed on it side, knocking over a steet sign. As I stare din awe, my mom explained that she had called 911. Telling her to stay away from the windows, in case the car exploded, we stepped to the side as the fire trucks and police cars arrived. My mom, the busybody, wanted to keep watching through the windows, but I was afraid the police might become suspicious and question us. So after the fire truck left, signifying there wasn't much cause for alarm, I convinced her to go sleep. I remained awake, lying in my bed, staring at the detective who was taking pictures of the scene. Evetually, he left, and I fell asleep some time after that. That was this morning. At around 4:20 PM today, a horrible thunderstorm hit around our house. The thunder shook the walls and the power went out for a bit. When I came out of the basement, I checked outside to see if everything was all right as the rain poured down. And then I saw our VCR/DVD recorder. All the digital clocks had been reset, but this one was different. The little lines on the display were spinning. Like in The Ring, with the tape. It was really weird. I was a little spooked so I turned it on and off. And then the time came back on. THE CORRECT TIME. Very weird. And to top it all off, my mom got electrocuted. Not badly or anything, she just got a current sent through her. So it's been weird.

Guess what? It's camp time again! On Sunday, I leave for George Mason University for a week. Then I'll come back! And I'll finally buy my computer! I finally saved up enough money to buy it myself, and not only will I get the student discount, but I can also use the offer to get a free iPod mini AND you can get Final Cut Express HD for $200 LESS THAN THE ACTUAL PRICE! YAY!!!! It normally costs $299, but with the student discount it only costs $150, but if you order it pre-installed on an iMac, it only costs you $99!

OK. Crap. The power just went out and I lost all the stuff I wrote about Macs and Abbey. I really don't wanna write it again, so here's a short summary:
  • gonna give iPod mini to my mom
  • gonna make many movies
  • Abbey contacted me a few days ago
  • read my entire blog; found out I "disliked" her
  • I said I didn't hate her, I just couldn't be friends
  • sucked to lose 4 years of friendship in an instant
So there you go. Thanks for listening.

7.09.2005

Characteristic Property

I drove. I actually drove. I comandeered a moving vehicle. I drove a car! Yippee!!! Well, actually it wasn't that big a deal. I drove in a square in an empty parking lot for 20 minutes. I learned how to make a U-turn, and how to turn. I actually didn't even use the gas pedal, because it went too far, so I just didn't press down the brake pedal, and the car moved. But everytime my dad told me to brake, I'd slam my foot down, and I almost sent him through the windshield because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt. Tsk tsk! But my dad showed me how you have to keep the steering wheel in motion and stuff. I already knew how to switch from park into drive and stuff, but I gotta learn not to brake so hard. It was exciting, though. I was really nervous, but it got easier as it went along, but I was dizzy from going around and arpund in the same place after a while.

In other news, I have started to form ideas for my next story/short story/novella/book/novel/tale/whatever it turns out to be. I finally bought "No Plot? No Problem!" by Chris Baty, the guy who made up NaNoWriMo. It'll help me along when I start writing on August 7. I don't want to start now, because I don't want to be interrupted by camp. August 7 is perfect, because it's the day after camp ends, and the 30 day deadline will expire on September 6, the day school starts. But in preparation, I'm reading "Characters, Emotion & Viewpoint" by Nancy Kress, so I can learn to write better characters. One of the things it tells you to do is to create a handful of characters you think can be in your book and create small biographies for them, including description, job, family and stuff. I created bio's for a 15-year-old loner and aspiring writer, a 23-year-old evil temptress whose father killed her mother and sister, a 21-year-old bartender/wanna-be comedian who ran away at age 16 and started a new life, a 53-year-old wise father whose wife is dead and whose daughter doesn't speak to him, a 14-year-old guitarist who lives with his brother because their parents died in a car crash, and a 15-year-old brainy vegetarian who is part-psychic. I also have 27 more mini-bios that aren't filled in yet, but I plan to fill in. What I'm really trying to do is create an abundance of characters, so that whenever I decide to write anything, I can have these characters to pick and choose from to edit to my liking. Kind of like the Generics from "The Well Of Lost Plots" by Jasper Fforde. Oh, and about the last two posts, those were just some writing I felt like doing. Kind of like practice.

So that's all on my part. I'll update you on my progress as it comes along. Thanks for listening!

7.08.2005

Runner

I burst through the front doors of the bookstore, gun in hand. Full of people, I had no idea how I was going to find one man in under 20 minutes. Of course, as soon as they saw the gun, people started screaming. "Relax! LAPD!" I yelled, as I flashed my badge. I glanced in all directions. There was only one way out of here, and that was through me. Ducking through the aisles, practically running over surprised customers, I saw a flash of orange out of the corner of my eye. "Stop! Police!" I yelled over the excited murmur of the rest of the store-goers. As I saw a display case of Harry Potter books fall over, I dashed over in a flash. This guy was really starting to get on my nerves. I saw him run through the mystery section and I followed him, but by the time I'd gotten to romance, he was gone. I stood on my toes, trying to see where he'd gone. Straining my eyes as much as possible, I couldn't see him. That's when I spotted the stairs. I sprinted up to the second floor, where only a few music lovers were gathered around a Rock/Pop shelf. It was as quiet up here as it was loud downstairs. Keeping my gun out of sight, and crouching low, I slowly crept through Country, Classical, and Folk, to no avail. I went through all four aisles of DVD's twice, but he was still nowhere to be found. I glanced at my watch. 8 minutes. "Dammit!" I exclaimed. I ran over to the balcony and scanned the first floor again. "Where are you?" I muttered to myself. And then, there he was. Midway through Historical Fiction, he was slowly trying appear as though he was one of the customers. I stupidly yelled "Stop!" only to realize the grandure of my error. The second he saw me, he ran to the exit. But he was on the other side of the store. I could catch him. I glanced at my watch. 3 minutes. I had no time to go to the stairs. I silently prayed as I leaped off the balcony, landing awkwardly on my ass. I picked myself up and dashed to the exit. There he was. Just a few feet in front of me. My watch beeped to tell me I had 1 minute left. "STOP!" I screamed, leaping into the air to catch him. And that's when the gun went off.

7.07.2005

George Warren

I got into a fight today. Well, you can't really call it a fight. More like being hit in the face with a fist and being knocked out for two minutes while whoever hit you ran away like a coward. Whoever it was left me with a black eye and a note taped to my locker, reading, "STAY AWAY FROM HER." Whoever she was. As much as I've been trying to avoid trouble since I got here, it finally caught up to me. Everyone's heard the stories about me. How I strangled my therapist. How I stabbed my stepmom when I was 9. How I almost died on a drug overdose. How I did whatever they say now. None of it's true, of course. I don't even have a stepmom. Or a therapist. Or drugs. But not even a wildfire spreads faster than a high school rumor. It doesn't help that I'm the "quiet type". At normal appearance, I don't think I look much like a psychopathic murderer. I have thick brown hair and brown eyes to match. I'm 6"1', but I don't look tall. My mom, who I have never stabbed, says I slouch, so that's probably it. I'm not fat, but I'm not a lamppost, either. My personality, though, speaks volumes more than my appearance does, which is ironic, since I hardly speak at all. I can mostly be seen reading or scribbling in a little notebook in a corner, alone. I have friends, though. Everyone should have friends, and I am no exception. I have my best friend, Julie, who i met this year at a "press conference", the stupid name our school calls the monthly meetings the entire school has. She bumped into me, spilled orange juice all over my favorite shirt, and we immediately became friends. She had short curly brown hair and a slender figure, though much shorter than me. But what really caught my eye were her striking blue eyes. They seem to stare straight into the depths of your soul. I wouldn't be surprised if they did. I've known her to make accurate, though extremely vague, predictions about people, their past, and their future. There's also my friend, Zimmy, who I rarely see, mostly because he lives in Canada. But when he does visit, he, Julie, and I hang out whenever possible. He's a year younger than us both, but he's really fun. He plays the guitar and is a great songwriter. He's very humble and says his work stinks, but I think it's really good. Maybe one day he'll get a recording contract. Zimmy is just a tad taller than me, despite the age difference. His head is barely covered with black hair he likes to keep in a buzzcut, and he has dark, dark, almost black, eyes. He's a bit chubby, but not overweight enough to be very noticeable.

7.01.2005

Such Great Heights

Wow. So much has happened in just 4 days. Let's start from the beginning.

When you're bored, do you ever sit and brainstorm about logical things to do? Things that would be feasible and enjoyable for everyone involved to do? I do. But guess what! My parents don't! When they're bored, they decide "Why not drive for 8 hours to Canada with 2 dogs and no planning?" Bad idea. Or was it? So we drive for 11 hours, because of the frequent doggy stops, with the usual griping and complaining. We get a false flat tire alarm. Luckily, Ryan's with me the entire ride, through IM on my phone, right down to when I get to the hotel.We arrive at our hotel at 2 AM, and when I wake up, my tonsils are the size of grapefruits. I struggle through the pain as we go see Niagara Falls, and... wow. Just wow. Wow. Incredible. You can't just see it in pictures or postcards. You have to see it in person to really see it. Wow. I would've stood there for hours just looking into the great vastness. And then it's time to run around the rest of Niagara. With 2 dogs. My mom gets into this Marineland place, so we search for a dog kennel. And what do we find? Farmland, guillotines, weird police officers, and one very annoyed operator. So we don't go to Marineland. By this time, everyone's pissed off at me, because I can't speak, move, or even breathe without it being taken the wrong way. So we head to our hotel room until it's time to see the Falls illuminated. Also very amazing. But since we have dogs, my mom is 3 miles ahead, while my dad lags 3 miles behind, as Tucker is tearing my hand off to run, and I only get to cherish the beauty of it all every once in a while. I have to come back before I die. But alone. So we only take 8.5 hours to get back home, where everything is fine. I rush to download iTunes 4.9 and check out the new iPods, as well as the new Student Union discount I gotta use by September. And then I sleep. I sleep and sleep. And sleep. And when I wake up, it's off to the doctors' office. Where a blood test and throat culutres will soon reveal what I have. Whatever it is. So that was my 4 days. Canada, tonsils, iPods, and sleeping. Thanks for listening.

6.26.2005

Piano Man

I got a huge slew of comments after my last-day-of-school post, which is why I kept it as the first post for so long. I don't want to respond to the comments, because I'll get sentimental and I'll start ranting, but thank you for the awesome comments.

So on Saturday, my parents, Spike, Tucker, Chiqui, and I went to a dog beach/park, where only dogs were allowed to swim. We spent a long time there and I had lots of fun, as did everyone else. I took pictures the entire time, and here are two of the really good ones:
When we got back, I looked on the internet for the piano notes for my new favorite song, Landed by Ben Folds. It's full of piano, so I thought I'd try to learn it. I found it on this website that gives you the first page free of any song that has sheet music. I tried to learn it for hours that day, and yesterday, and today. But I can't play it fast enough to make it sound right. Even Morgan couldn't do it. I browsed and played what I could of some songs. I learned This Love by Maroon 5 pretty well, and same with Clocks by Coldplay. I really like playing the piano, but since our real piano, which is actually a synthesizer with 29 keys, doesn't sound good at all, or sound in general, I'm stuck with the computer, and playing the piano on a keyboard is harder than it seems.

I've also been listening to Bastard by Ben Folds, and there's a line that always makes me laugh for some reason. It goes "Kids today getting old too fast; they can't wait to grow up so they can kiss some ass; they get nostalgic about the last 10 years before the last 10 years have passed." That line always makes me laugh. I think I'm laughing at myself, because part of that is me. I can't wait to grow up (though I don't really look forward to kissing ass) just so I can rememeber what I'm going through now. I want to be nostalgic about the next 4 years when I haven't even experienced them. That song is a great song. I also like the lines "The more he knew, he knew he didn't know shit. The whiz man never fit him like the whiz kid did." You should listen to it. Well, that's all for today. Thanks for listening.

6.24.2005

Closing Time

It's over. It happened. It's gone. The end. Middle school is gone forever. And a whole new world has stepped into our lives.

No one can have the same experiences as you, or live the same life as you, but in that instant, when the last bell of forever rings, you feel united. With those you love, those you hat, and those you don't know. All together with the same goal: to leave school behind. But we become sad. We don't want to leave school. From 6th to 7th, we all went to the same middle school. But we lost a few. From 7th to 8th, we were still in the same school. We lost a few, but we made it happily. But from middle school to high school, it's a big step. We won't just lose a few; I'm losing all but 20. 19 from now, and one who we lost 4 years ago. And as we go in different directions, we tell each other, and ourselves, that we will always have these people in our hearts. Have I forgotten Kat Mallow or Katy Anderson? Brandon Sankey or Holly Martin? No. And I never will. These people exist in our minds because we keep them there, and we hold on to them so tightly. We tell each other, and ourselves, that there will ALWAYS be parties and that we'll keep in touch by e-mail and phone and AIM. I still talk to Mike and Chelsea. I still keep in touch with Devon and Kyle. Sometimes. When I can. If possible. Rarely. Never. We tell each other, and ourselves, that it's not like we're moving; we're just going to different schools. I mean, it's not hard to talk to someone who you never see. Never. Whatever we tell each other, or ourselves, it doesn't matter, because we WILL do these things, because we love each other. And we can't stand to live without each other. Friends are what make everything better when you're sad. Friends are there for you. Friends love you for who you are. Friends are your friends. And you never forget your friends.

This year has been wild. I met so many people and gained so many new friends. From the bus, from gym, from French, from everywhere. On my way to French, Ashleigh says hi to some guy and I say "So that's what his name is! I see him everyday and last year, too, and I never knew his name." I had wild parties and awesome days at my house. Our memories will never be erased. I got close to friends I didn't expect to, and I lost a few friends, too, but in the end, it's been a perfect year. I wouldn't want to change ANYTHING. I would not have done anything different. Really. That's how awesome this year was for me. Even my B+ in English I wouldn't change. Even my fight with Morgan I wouldn't change. Even my angriness I wouldn't change. This year was all I wanted it to be and more. And now that it's over, it's a bit saddening. But I know that I always have these memories, these pictures and videos and clips and flashes and quotes, to remind me of everything from this great year. And even the last year. I still loved that one, too. It has beeen the best 2 years of my life and I don't think anyone has ever had this much fun in middle school. I can only hope that my 4 years of high school will be this great. And how can I help but not be optimistic? I'm not dead. Or paralyzed. I don't have cancer or lukemia. I don't have any brken bones. I have 3 loving parents. Who mess up every once in a while, but they're OK. I'm not blind or deaf. I have all my limbs. I can talk and write and read and everything. I can skip, run, jump, walk, sprint, run, charge and leap. I have tons of friends who love me. Friends who will miss me. Who I'll miss. And that only makes our bonds stronger. Our friendships will stand the test of time. Our friendships will be those rivaled by many, matched by few. To everyone, thank you so much for making my years this great. Thanks for being there. Thanks for shaping my life differently. Thanks for being you. And don't worry. This is only the beginning of the rest of our entire lives. After all, every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

And to everyone who feels like breaking down and crying and weeping and sobbing, don't. That's not what it's all about. Put your left foot in and put your right hand in, too. Shake them all about and take a step into the future. Reach for the stars. Jump to new heights. Take a leap of faith. Savor the past. Take in the present. And always, no matter, what, always remember to look forward to your future. Everyone has so much potential, and no matter how bad things seem now, whether you're moving, never going to see your friends again, going to a new school, or dying, remember that you have a great future ahead of you. You will be great. You will be awesome. You will be grand. You will do amazing things. You can do anything, if you just set your mind to it. Get back to the future, and take a step towards it. Approach it with a smile. With a laugh. Because when you look forward to something, it always seems to turn out better. So, thanks for everything. Thanks for making my future just a bit brighter. Thanks for listening.

6.21.2005

Book Of The Year

2 days, 2 hours, 13 minutes and 22 seconds
That's how much time was left when I started writing this post. As time slowly dwindles away, the events get bigger, the cheering gets louder, and the goodbyes get sadder. Today was our sports day and I screamed my lungs out cheering everytime we got a point and yelling at our teammates for sucking so bad. At the same time, it was Emily's last full day, and tomorrow, she'll be gone forever. Well, not forever. But it'll be sad, because I might never see her again. Not only is she going to 8th grade next year, but I'm going to faraway school. And then 2 days after that, I have to do the same to all but 19 of my friends. Michael, Ryan, Ashleigh, Morgan, Carly, Meredith, and Zach. Jordan, Steph, Kara, Jon, Alex, Sharifa, Chris, Meghan, and Kelly. Mary, Caitrin, Jessica, Rachel, and Sofia. Jessica, Aaron, Mariam, Stephanie, and Ed. Looking over the signatures in my yearbook, all saying I hope to see you, or see you hopefully, or come visit, it makes me sad. But I feel their joy. Who can't be happy at the end of the year? Besides, I'm not dead. I will say hi. I will remember. And I look at the other signatures. See you next year, or I look forward to high school with you, or can't wait for our high school years, and the like. And I smile. Widely. Who can help but feel happy when you have so many friends to comfort you? To help you? To hold you and scold you and share with you and have fun with, and everything friends do? No one. And I don't care how cheesy or cliche I sound, but when you have the gift of friendship and love, you have the greatest gift of all.

P.S. I will keep blogging.

6.20.2005

Saturday Night Fever

The party was awesome! We ate, we talked, we danced, and we watched Friends for 2 1/2 hours! Michael revealed his talent at DDR, Ryan shoved me into a table (but not like angrily, just playfully), Patrick put his feet on my TV, Jon was a loner, Kara screamed, Meredith, Carly, and Emily started a Jello fight, Morgan liked ponies, Amanda craved veggie burgers, Zach and Crystal sucked at DDR, Steph got tied to a pole, Chris made his dumb jokes, and we had a blast! It was one of the best parties ever, except for the fact that I had a temperature of 103 degrees for the first half of the party, and was cold, clammy, and sweating the other half. But I had so much fun!

On Sunday, I cruised through Oldtown with my parental units, and I bought two books I've had my eye on, The Eyre Affair by Jasper Fforde and Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk. The Eyre Affair takes place in a very strange 1985, with a SpecOps Agent named Thursday Next (weird name, but cool) investigating literary crimes. It's actually really good, as is Haunted. It's written by the guy who wrote Fight Club (the original book, not the script for the movie), and although the book is really weird since it's told from 25 different points of view, going in a cycle from an omniscient narrator, to a poem about one of the book's 23 characters, to a first-person narration by that character. It's very strange, but so far, it's been really good. I also saw Batman Begins on Sunday, and it was really good. It was darker than the other Batman movies, and though all the Batman movies are good, with the exception of a few (COUGH GEORGE CLOONEY COUGH), this one was really good, especially because it reveals how Batman becomes Batman.

Today, we got our yearbooks!!! But I lost all respect I had for Mr. McCollough. He kept telling us they had already called team 6 for yearbooks, when they hadn't. But luckily, Ms. Wilkinson, in the first nice thing I've seen her do, told him they were about to call Team 6, and she told us to go. The yearbooks are great, except for the cover and the color of the inside covers. I got a bunch of people to sign it, and I'm gonna bring it back tomorrow along with my disposable camera. I'm so excited! So I just though I'd let you know how this weekend went for me! Thanks for listening!

6.17.2005

Hard to Do

Morgan and I had a rift. It was a little ripple over Eugene. But it's over now. I hope. This is the e-mail I sent her to apologize:

I just finished talking to you. I wasn't mad at you, and I understand now what is going on. I just needed some space before I could talk to you again. Even if I was mad at you, I still wouldv'e wanted you to come tomorrow, and I hope you still are. I thought you and Eugene were going out again, but I was wrong. I assumed too much, and when you wouldn't answer me at lunch, it really hurt me. But you had a right to not to tell me. I am not entitled to your entire life. I'm sorry if you thought I was mad. I don't like Eugene because I thought you had learned from Matt; that you don't keep friends who are horrible to you. Hell, I was horrible to you. But what Eugene did wasn't what Matt did, and the two are completely seperate. Eugene deserved a second chance, and you gave it to him. You both gave it to each other. The worst loss of a friend is the loss of friend through a break-up. I know from personal experience. So I thought I'd let you know what was going on. I have to go. I love you, and I hope you can forgive me. I know I don't deserve it. But I can't stand not having you in my life. Cya later.

I would post Morgan's e-mail, but it's kind of personal. I hope she can forgive me.

6.16.2005

Jersey Guy

I just finished watching Garden State. Wow. What an awesome movie. Zach Braff is a really good actor, as is Natalie Portman. She was really funny, and I commend Zach for wiritng such an awesome script. I love the music, especially since I had the soundtrack before I saw the movie. This originally premiered at Sundance, and I just love those movies. They have this feel that is way different from regular movies, where they just like zone you into the movie. Napoleon Dynamite had the same feel, even though it's a completely different movie from this.

A while ago, when I bought the soundtrack, I checked out the website of the movie, and they had Zach's blog on it, so I started reading it. I feel like I know him now. He seem s like just a down-to-Earth guy. Then again, you don't no someone just because you know eveyrthing about their personal life. Well... I dunno. But it was a really great blog. I think I write something about reading it on my blog somewhere.

In other news, it turns out 22 people, including me, will recieve the Fleur De Lys. If she got an A on your final grade, and your final exam, then you get it. I can live with that. I'm really not a competetive person at all, and winning is definitely not the most important thing to me, but when I heard about it, for some reason, I just really wanted it. I guess I wanted what the guy who directed All-District Chorus this year was talking about: recognition. If you get an award or get an A, it's not as great if no one recognizes you, or says congratulations, or anything. I always remember that from him. Not the music, or the lyrics to the songs, but that statement. Strange. Well, I don't have anything else to write about, so I'll leave with that. Also, check out Garden Stae, or at least the soundtrack. They rock. Thanks for listening.

6.15.2005

Scramble

OH YEAH!! WHO BEAT CHRIS BY 98 POINTS IN SCRABBLE WITHOUT CHEATING???? I DID!!! :D OK, gloating over. I made two awesome plays, WIZEN on a triple-word for 51 points, and DRUMLINE using all my tiles for a 74-point bingo. And guess what? I looked up drumline! IT'S NOT A WORD! That's so dumb, yet so awesome! Yippee!

OK, there's some stuff I haven't had a chance to tell you, and now is the time.

I need the Fleur de Lys award. It's the award for the best French student. I NEED IT!!! Everyone thinks I'm going to get it, but I'm worried about Will Dooris. He got into TJ, won Honorable Mention in the Dupont Essay thing, has gotten straight A's all year, was student of the quarter, and probably a did a lot of things I don't even know about. Aargh!!! I want that award really bad! Not only is it the flower from the Priory of Sion from the DaVinci Code, but it's also a French award, and after working my butt off in French, I think I deserve some recognition.

I have also decided to stop saying "gay" and "retarded" in the sense of negativity. Gay only means homosexual, and retarded is only a disability. Somebody was retarded or gay (or both) would find that offensive, and I don't want to be the kind of person who offends people, because I know that it hurts. On that note, I also don't want to hurt people by saying "Your mom", so I am going to try my hardest to stop saying that, too. Wish me luck.

4 people like me, and I can't have a relationship with any of them for one reason or another. I won't name names, but it's super annoying. One's a crush, one's a long-time liking, one's a "please don't because I don't wanna break your heart", and the last is "other". I have issues.

OK, my end of the year party is in 3 days. My algebra final is tomorrow!!!! SCARY!!! AND THAT COUNTDOWN ON MY BLOG IS SHORTENING!!! AARGH!!! Time is dwindling away....

So I just thought I'd let you know what was going on in my life. Thanks for listening!

6.12.2005

Bad Influenza

So I wake up at 8 A.M. and I feel like crap. My head hurts, my throat is sore, my muscles are sore, too, I have a fever and my nose is stuffy. I lay there, extremely light-headed, and fall asleep, having this strange dream where I'm 4 different people, 3 guys and a girl, and we all have superpowers and superhero outfits. At around 9, my mom wakes up, and I tell her I feel horrible. She brings me orange juice and a pill, and I go back to sleep. I have the same dream, but now we're in the ocean on a big ship, and we're fighting people, but I can't tell who. At 10, I wake up again and drink more orange juice. I lay there, and have the dream again, except now, one of them has a girlfriend who is a supermodel. About 45 minutes later, I wake up when my mom brings me a pitcher of lemonade. I have the dream, and it turns out we're fighting a pirate ship full of supermodels. At 11, my dad is home, and I wake up again, and drink more lemonade. Each time I wake up, I feel a bit better. My dreams become less vivid, but the girlfriend of the guy gets stabbed and dies. I continue this routine until at about 1, when I'm feeling good enough, I eat 2 waffles and a glass of milk. After I finish, I watch TV for 30 minutes, then go back upstairs to sleep. My dreams stop, and I lay in my bed, half-asleep and half-awake. I fall asleep until 3:30, and I'm feeling a bit worse again. My fever has heated up again, but my throat no longer hurts, and my nose is just a bit stuffy. At 4:30, I wake up and do my civics homework. However, the noise of the sharpening of my colored pencils wakes up my dad. I finish my pie chart and I go back to sleep. When I wake up at 5, my parents are awake and getting ready to leave for a TJ meeting. I finally wake up for good, feeling much better, yet still sick-ish. I finish my homework, and after my parents leave, I call Morgan back. We talk, while I watch TV. After we hang up, I go upstairs to eat dinner. And then I become extremely bored. I HATE BEING SICK! It sucks so bad. I wish I felt better. Well, I thought I would let you know what a crappy day I had. :D Thanks for listening.

6.11.2005

For Dummies

How to Write a Deep and Thoughtful Blog Post People Will Want to Read
Have you tried writing on your blog, but all that comes out is how many pieces of pizza you ate today? Are you tired of meaningless pieces of information filling your blog? Wel,, you've found the right place!

Steps
1. Find a song that is sad, slow, deep, dreamy, floaty, thoughtful, and/or makes you want to cry, sob, remember, and/or sleep.
2. Play it at a reasonable volume on repeat and close your eyes for a while as you listen.
3. Open up your eyes once you feel floaty and dreamy enough.
4. Choose a deep topic you feel close to (e.g., nostalgia and rememberance, life and death, war and peace, racism and predujice, etc.).
5. Start with a sentence that captures people's attention, no matter how confusing. Use sentences like "At times, I'm trying to be a person who I want to be, but I find that trying to be that person makes me be who I am not.", not "I don't know who I am."
6. Continue on about the subject, as much as you can.
7. Once you feel like you've written as much you want (or can), end the post with a dramatic statement.
8. Finally, title your post. You can name it the title of the song you listened to, the title of a book or movie that coincides with your topic, a saying or idiom that relates to your post, or something that you make up yourself.

Tips
  • Use your heart and mind at the same time. Say things that you believe in and are true to yourself.
  • Make references to movies, books, songs, or anything. This only adds depth to your writing.
  • Don't worry if you end up talking about some topic completely different from what you started with. You can always end with something like this: "And now I've slowly drifted completely off topic from what I started talking about. Funny how that happens. It's like life."
  • At the end of your post, add a quote. They really spice up and dramatize your post. A line from the song you were listening to is great.
  • One word titles are great and easy to think up.
  • If you've used a word in your blog that emphasizes your topic/post, look up a synonym or the definition of that word, and use it as your title.
This How-To Article can also be found here.

Equilibrium

I don't think Ms. Hindenlang likes me very much. I think she thinks I'm egotistical, lazy, a liar, over-controlling, conceited, mean, and vain. She doesn't show it, but it's like I can sense it. It seems whatever I do in English, it always turns out to either be misconstrued as mean, or happen when I'm in a really crappy mood.

Sorry about that. I just had to get it off my chest.

Speaking of sorries (sorrys? sorry's?), sorry for sounding so morbid and bleak in my last post. I was feeling really low, as stated by the post's title. I was just feeling so down after all that had happened that day. Once you write it all down and really take it in, it just hits you hard. I could have written about something happy and ignored everything that had happened. But that's not optimism; that's ignorance. And though ignorance is bliss, over-magnification is horror. Focusing on every single bad thing that happened and viewing it as dark and horrible is just as bad. I guess the key is to take in the good and the bad, and contemplating, but not dwelling, on it; then, you look ahead with a positive, yet still realistic; grand, but not cocky; good, though not bubbly, outlook. I've realized the the key to happiness is balance and moderation. Be safe, but not over-cautious. Take risks, but don't be a daredevil. Have fun, but don't be a partyer all the time. Behave, but release your wild side when appropriate. Talk, but don't blab. Help, but don't carry. Have order, but don't be a neat freak. Compete, but don't be a sore winner or loser. Be nice, but not a pushover. Believe in yourself, but don't be cocky. Love yourself, but don't be vain. Take everything in balance. And then you'll reach your high point. The top of the world. Just don't fall off. :)

Thanks for listening.

6.10.2005

Low

In algebra, Ed tells me about his new studio equipment. Sam isn't talking to Stephanie, but Stephanie doesnt know why. A dead baby bird is found outside. As chorus is ending, I ask Jordan and Emily if they're coming to my house today. Jordan says no, because Patrick is coming. She tells me that she actually only liked Patrick for a few hours after the party when she said that, but after that, she didn't and that was why Jordan said no, not because she didn't want a boyfriend, which is what she told Patrick. And she also reveals that she now has a boyfriend too. So she tells me not to tell Patrick, but I have to. He deserved to know after what she did to him. So she yells at me and gets furious as I storm off. I tell Ryan my dilemma as the last day of dressing out in gym occurs. Ashleigh is missing on her birthday. I sprint to French to see the sub people were talking about, and he turns out to be the mean guy from algebra. I quietly sit so he doesn't bother me, shortly after he argues loudly with A.R. At lunch, John is down because his parents are making him play football and because they want him to play band. He wants to break down, but he can't. I have an idea of what he's feeling. We laugh and he cheers up a bit. I leave for the bus after English, where Patrick feels mad and sad at the same time because of Jordan. They fight online at my house while Emily, Morgan and I play SSX 3. Things aren't awkward between Emily and me at all, which is good. I was afraid we would turn into Liz and me. People go home. Morgan stays a bit longer and she gets bored. I can't excite her and she leaves. I feel empty for some reason. I eat dinner. I watch the MTV Movie Awards. I play the piano and come upstairs. I start writing this post. I start to cry. I break down. I wonder why I feel so sad. Patrick's relationship with Jordan is sinking. John's high school dreams are falling apart. Ashleigh's birthday isn't celebrated. Sam's ignoring Stephanie. Hearts break, hopes crumble, celebrations fail, shoulders turn cold, birds die, and people cry.

And we move on.

6.08.2005

Preprinted

This is a rant that I borrowed from my friend, Amanda, who borrowed it from a website called starlightmks.com- I'm putting this here because I totally agree with it-

If there's one thing that annoys me the most, it has to be people labeling themselves. So which "category" do you fit in? Prep? Punk? Goth? [insert name of other label here]? Ugh... it makes my head hurt just to think about it. Who came up with this stuff? Some insecure 14 year old trying to find their identity? The odd thing is that I don't encounter this problem too much in the real world, but it seems to be one heck of a big deal on the internet. Since you are an internet user, this article is for you. :-D

Isn't it aggravating how some people will judge you as a person based on whether or not you think Good Charlotte is "punk"? First of all, let's look at the definition of "punk". The dictionary definition most relevant to this would be "A young person, especially a member of a rebellious counterculture group". And that's all there is to it? Most people don't seem to think so. If you ask ten people what "punk" is, you will get ten different answers. Why? Because it's one of the many stupid labels made up by people who think they're really cool and original, so of course, it doesn't have one official meaning. Do you want to associate yourself with something that has a different connotation wherever you go? I sure wouldn't. Another sad thing is that people put these labels on music, clothing, and other things of that sort. It's too bad really. It narrows possibilities so much. I mean, are you really not going to listen to a certain kind of music at all because it's not "punk"? Are you really expressing your individuality by only wearing clothing that would be considered "goth"?

Many people claim that by labeling themselves with something other than "prep" makes them a unique person. Pretend for a moment that you're a "punk" or "goth" and you think you're really cool because of your label. The reason you labeled yourself is because you fit into that certain "category" right? Now how is that being original? If you dress just like all the other "punk" or "goth" people, act the same way, and listen to the same music, how is that different? If you answered "I don't know" or "it's not" to that question, you are right. Being different in the same way as other people doesn't quite make sense. But if you are a "goth" and claim that you don't listen to the same music and buy the same clothes as others in the group, you will probably be told by someone who considers themselves to be a "true goth" that you don't really fit into the category.

So you say "punk" is your lifestyle? Great. Go be a rebel. Disobey authority. Good luck to you when you wind up in jail someday because you thought it would be cool to set fire to the police station since a cop gave you a speeding ticket (after all, people who enforce rules are doing it just to limit your fun and it has nothing to do with safety or anything like that). If you think "punk" has nothing to do with being a rebel then tell Merriam-Webster to put your definition in the dictionary. If your definition of a word is not in the dictionary, then that's not what the word means and you need to expect people to be confused. The most common made-up definition of "punk" is something along the lines of being yourself, creating your own style, and not caring what other people think. Well why do you have to put a label on that? Why do you have to call yourself a punk if you're an original person? Why can't people just be people instead of "punk" people, "goth" people, "prep" people, etc?? AHHHHH! It doesn't make sense!

Okay before I start getting hate mail about this, I'm just going to clear up some things about me. I only call people preps who consider themselves preps. I also do not hate "preps". I hate people who act stupid even though they're not, dwell obsessively over their hair and makeup, consider themselves the most important thing in the world, worry about the most superficial things, and step all over people they think are less popular. Since this is the assumed definition of a "prep", I find it easier to just use that word. Also, I do not hate "goths". I hate the people who believe their life sucks and hate everyone and everything around them and hate life. I really think that's a dumb idea, cause you should be happy that you are alive. No matter how bad things are, as long as you're alive, things will always get better.

Have I made my point yet? Yeah, I think I have. This'll do for now. Anyway, I don't care if you consider yourself to be one of these labels, just don't try to force your opinions on me and I will do the same for you (meaning don't e-mail me about it). We can all agree to disagree and that's just peachy. I gave you my reasons, now all I ask is that you:

DON'T LABEL ME!


P.S. I edited this a little to match my opinon as well.

The Loneliest Number

So she said no. And Jordan said no to Patrick. Looks I'll stay single for a long time. Sigh. But I'll get over it. I always do. I guess.

Jordan was feeling really bad, cause he was sad when she said no. The last time he had a mutual liking was when she moved before he could make his move. He thought Jordan would say yes, because she said she liked him, but she was just leading him on. As was Emily. Girls. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

So today I presented my book report on Tangerine. I think I did good, cause Ms. Das whispered "Awesome." when I gave her my report. Maybe it was sarcasm. Whatever it was, at least my report was better than Alex Triplett's. I feel like I have this unspoken rivalry with him that he doesn't know about. I kept thinking, "I found his weakness: book reports." I always try to finish before him, and three times, I have, but he beat me to turn it in. On the SOL, and on a test where I forgot to write out work for a problem, and a quiz where I forgot to write my name. It's pretty scary. :D

We sung for the 6th-graders today! It was pretty fun, but I only saw 2 people I recognized; Kat from SACC and Mr. Curtis. I sung my heart out and I think our group did better overall (not because of me, but just something I noticed). I kept thinking that if 2 years ago, someone had told me what my life would be like now, I wouldn't have believed them. And before I go into a rant about rememberance, which have taken over my blog, I shall change the subject.

The new Coldplay album ROCKS! X & Y is awesome. My favorite songs on it are Square One, What If, A Message, and Swallowed By the Sea. I can't stop listening to it, and I've had it suck in my head all day. But in a good way.

So there's this thing I want to post on here, but it would enlarge this post by way too much, so I'll put it in a new one. Thanks for listening!

6.07.2005

What If

What if there was no life?
Nothing wrong, nothing right.
What if there was no time?
And no reason or rhyme.
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side.
That you don't want me there in your life.
What if I got it wrong, and no poem or song
Could put right what I got wrong
Or make you feel I belong
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life.
Oooh, that's right
Let's take a breath jump over the side
Oooh, that's right
How can you know it if you don't even try
Oooh, that's right
Every step that you take could be your biggest mistake
It could bend or it could break
But that's the risk that you take
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there in your side
That you don't want me there by your life.
Oooh, that's right
Let's take a breath jump over the side
Oooh, that's right
How can you know it when you don't even try
Oooh, that's right
Ohhhhh
Oooh, that's right
Let's take a breath jump over the side
Oooh, that's right
You know that darkness always turns into light
Oooh, that's right

Match Game

OK. I asked Emily out. On a date.

Gulp.

I was thinking about it a whole lot last night, and all I could think about was that if I didn't ask her out, I would go forever wondering what my life would have been like if I had asked her out. So following some good advice, I took a risk. I took a chance. I leaped. I jumped. I took the plunge.

And what did I get for my troubles?

"I'll think about it."

Girl talk for no. Aargh. I was all sweaty, and though partly due to the heat, it was also due to the amount of nervousness I was feeling. Even though I've asked out people before, never in person to someone I really liked this way. I had been practicing since this morning, and I still hadn't found a good way. "Hey. Wassup?" Too gangsta. "So I hear you're single." Too cocky. "Maybe we could, um, do, um something, um, sometime, you know, um, like, um, more, than friends?" Too stuttery. "You wanna be my girlfriend?" Too blunt. "I was wondering if you wanted to go to the movies with me next friday?" Perfect. Or not. So we're walking down the hall from chorus, and Jordan reveals to me she liked Patrick and Patrick liked her, so I'm excited, and it peps me up a little. I keep trying to talk to Emily, but she keeps saying bye to people. So we're about to seperate when I blurt out, "Emily, I was wondering if you wanted to go to the movies next Friday." She looks at me and says "I don't know. I haven't gone to a movie with people in a while. I'll have to ask my parents. I'll think about it." or something along those lines. And I let her go to lunch.

OK, first of all, "I haven't gone to the movies with people in a long time." People. As in more than one. As in not a date. As in "I don't want to go on a date with you." And second, I'll have to ask my parents. SO not. And that killer line, "I'll think about it." I wish she'd just have said no and let me down easily.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this. Maybe she really hasn't gone to the mvoies in a while. Maybe she does have to ask her parents. Maybe she will think about it. Maybe she will say yes.

I hope so.

Wow, am I geeky and desperate. I do want her to say yes, though. I really like this girl, and I don't want to lose her. Thanks for listening.

6.06.2005

One-Night Stand

So last night was Emily's party, and it was off the heezy! I didn't just say that, did I? Yeah, I did.
Well, it was really fun! Exhausting, but fun. I woke up today and my muscles were so sore. I am so tired, but taking a shower helped. Well, now about Emily's party. First of all, I got there an hour early, cause I thought it was from 5 to 10, when it was actually from 6 to 10. But her mom was OK with it, though she was EXTREMELY bubbly. (Emily denied it, but I know bubbly when I see it.) So we hung out, and we went it the moonbounce and then people started arriving. Practically everyone from our chorus class was there. So while all the preppy sevvie girls swarmed, I was the only sane person there, not to mention the only 8th grader. I was about to blow up, when finally Patrick arrived. We played DDR and some people got in the hot tub and moonbounce, but I stayed inside, cause of the heat. Then Mara got hurt, cause some mean guys there hit her with stuff. So they stayed watching TV, while several of us went out and sat in the moonbounce and talked. Jordan was all over Patrick, and I was all over Emily. It got really dark, and we got closer. I stroked her hair, and I started kissing her neck. I don't know if she noticed or not, cause she acted like nothing was going on. Maybe she didn't want anyone to know. But she didn't tell me to stop either. Everyone kept telling to ask her out, but I didn't want to. It was like that thing I have with Morgan, where I don't like her that way, but I like flirting with her. It's complicated and hard to describe. But whatever it is, I was doing the same thing with Emily. I don't know if these realtionships will ever go anywhere. Morgan has a boyfriend and Emily doesn't seem interested, but then again, she doesn't seem not interested. I dunno. So I guess I'll just keep living my life like this. Not taking any risks. Give me advice. Before I blow up! Thanks for listening.

6.03.2005

FYI: Freaky Yellow Instigators

OK, just so you guys now, Morgan and Patrick, I'm still friends with you. I just got super-pissed off at Leighton and I can't deal with him anymore. Most of the stuff was sarcastic, anyways, though I wouldn't change a word of it. I'm glad I got all that off my chest. From now on, all comments posted by Leighton will be deleted. Blegh, just saying that name makes me want o vomit. Blegh. Anyways, just wanted to let you know.

Another One Bites the Dust

I don't "classify" people. That's the last thing I'll ever do. I was just saying making an analogy. You don't have to bite my head off. What you're saying I do is exactly the opposite of what I do, and also the reason I'm not friends with you. I don't "pull people out" when I want to talk to them. That's what you did to Matt. You're only friends with him when he isn't annoying. Perhaps that works for you, but I can't just be friends with someone some of the time. If someone bothers me to that point, and it doesn't work out, I stop being friends with that person. I can't just decide, "Oh, hey, he's not being annoying or dumb or mean or scornful, so why don't I be friends with him for a few minutes until he starts being that again? Great! And this way, I can't ruin my poularity status I'm so dependent on because I have no realfriends, just a bunch of people who I hang out with, brcause they're not geeky and won't lower me and make me feel worse about myself!" I can't live like that. Oh, and sorry for thinking people care about me. I forgot that I have to be popular, rich, show-offy, and stuck-up to be cared about and worshipped. It just slipped my mind. Also, thanks for feeling sorry for me! I love it when morons who think they're perfect give me pity because I have no friends! After all, what's life without that good old pity? And don't worry, I'll have tons of fun with Morgan at my party for two! I mean, after all, I have no friends! Because I'm just a guy who hates everyone and is always does things for the wrong reason. I mean, the right reasons of course are lying, deceit, backstabbing, hurting the ones you care about, power, control, and hate. And I've got tons of hate! Cuase you know, I hate life and everyone and I wish everyone was dead! Duh! :D I just love hating people! But the only thing I love more that hating people is destroying my friendships! I just love throwing away great memories and what could've been if my "friends" weren't such stuck-up, prissy, bitches! HEY MORGAN? I'M NOT FRIENDS WITH YOU ANYMORE! YAY! THERE GOES ANOTHER ONE! Oh yeah and Patrick, same for you! And ever other great person in my life who cares about me! I hate you, too! Because I just love hating people randomly for no reason! Yay! :D Thanks for listening, you bastards!

Oh, oops! Did I say all that? I hope I didn't offend you. I'm sooooooo sorry, Leighton. I hope you can forgive me! You know I would never do that on purpose! Oh wait. YES, I WOULD. AND I'D DO IT ALL AGAIN IN AN INSTANT.

Wordplay

Although not so radical, there is truth in what is said.
The song of our life is waiting to be written.
Sound does not travel through space, but what is space but matter? Does space matter?
Inflation does not help the throat-impaired.
What goes up can stay up there if it pleases.
Bars may turn out their lights, but is it really closing time when you've just been born?
Theater reveals more than it appears to.
You can hide, but you can't run.
Lizardi is not plural for lizard.
Good advice not taken may as well have never been said.
Stereo systems are not smart enough to be right.
As much as you would like, offices don't belong in living rooms.
14 years later, the message was still as vague as it had been before.

Don't Speak

So today, I played SSX3, which is awesome, by the way, for like an hour. It's really fun. I played a while with my dad until my mo0m left for work, and then we left to go to Borders. I bought the books I didn't buy at Morgan's party, Velocity by Dean Koontz, and 4th of July by James Patterson. Sadly, I can't start them until after I finish Odd Thomas, which I can't finish until I finish Frankenstein. I'm trying my best to only read one book at a time, but it's SO tempting to read them all. I better update my sidebar for the new books.

I also am now Liz-ified with Paige. She hates me tons, and I was sick of her droning on about her stupid, idiotic "boyfriends" and crushes and stupid, meaningless things that happen, even though I listened intently, because Paige has a need to be listened to, because she doesn't get attention at home, and when she does, it's very negative. So I listened and always gave my input and advice, but whenever I'd talk about something small about me, which I rarely do, she's always be like "I don't care" or "No one cares, Kevin", and that pissed me off. So when she came up and yelled at me with Vanja, it was the last straw, and I yelled at her. Ashleigh and Ryan calmed me down, but I was really mad. So on the bus, I just told her to shut up and never talk, because she had nothing worth saying, and she got mad, too. So now we are Liz-ified. By the way, when I say that, I mean that not only are we not friends, but we cannot talk at all to each other. Like I said earlier, although I am not friends with some people, I can still talk to them as people. Also, I'm going to be friends with Patrick, because, though annoying at times, he isn't one of the people whose annoying-ness gets in the way of his other good qualities. He's funny and though lazy, can perservere when he wants to. Unlike Matt, whose annoying-ness and grossness (sticking wires in his braces, sucking pencils, picking his teeth with a pen), are too much for me. But like Abbey and Leighton and Suhmeda, I can still talk to him normally like a person. :)

So I just thought I'd let you know what was going on in my life right now. Thanks for listening!

6.02.2005

Personality-itis

OK, the movie was AWESOME! People laughed and Ms. Armitage thought it was good and everyone liked it, and it was GREAT! I also handed out the invitations for my party today, so I'm excited about that too.

I want love. No, I'm not a power-hungry, lonely, creepy, hobo who needs to be loved. I want love. Like true love. Like my soulmate. Like the love of my life. I want that person to walk into my life and take me with her. I want that person I can talk to anything about, the person who laughs at my jokes, and lights up my life. The person I can hold in my arms and whose head fits just perfectly in my shoulder. The person that gives my life meaning and strength and courage. That person. I want to meet her and never let her go. I want a true love. But I'm 14. Fat chance.
Who am I "supposed" to be? At times, I'm trying to be a person who I want to be, but I find that being that person makes me be who I am not. Which is strange. I mean, people say you shouldn't change yourself, but if you're a person who is mean and cruel and has no friends, but wants friends, shouldn't you change yourself? But if you're changing yourself so you can have friend, then aren't you just being untrue? But no one can like if you act like you do. It's so confusing. People say this and people say that. I am so tired of the stereotypes and the social rules we must abide by. But if we had no rules, then life would be too chaotic, like BS and KF. IJ. Sorry. Anyways, everything is so strange. I try to be balanced, but I'm not. My true self is different from what I'm trying to be. But I'm only trying to be a better person. But better in what sense? I don't know. And for what reason? Am I trying to be someone? I don't know. I don't think so. But then again, I'm trying to guide myself to be a type of person. But I don't want to be "a type of person". And the type of person I am is unique and I don't want to ruin that. But I'm trying to be the type of person that is kind and nice and listens and doesn't hold a grudge and expresses feelings in a healthy way and just calm. But if that isn't me, is it bad to want to be that person? WHY do I keep saying that person? I am me. And no one else. And my head is starting to throb.

I don't know where I'm headed. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know who I will be 20 years from now. I don't know who I will turn into. I don't know much. But I do know one thing.

I will always be me.


'Come down now,' they'll say. But everything looks perfect from far away. 'Come down now.' But we'll stay.

6.01.2005

Counting Down the Hours

The first day of June. 15 school days left. 2 quizzes today, 2 tomorrow. 2 finals next week. My end-of-year party is in 17 days. The last day of school is in just over 3 weeks. After tomorrow, it'll be a 4-day weekend. Our English project is due in 2 Wednesdays and my algebra project is due next Wednesday. Our French project is due tomorrow. I am no longer friends with Paige either. Morgan's best friend likes me, but the feeling is not mutual. The end-of-school dance is coming up soon. Our last concert is in 8 days. And the world will end in 24 hours.

Just kidding.

It seems everything is coming to an end. I don't remember ever being this sad about everything ending. Not in 3rd grade, or 6th grade, and DEFINITELY not last year. It seems very strange when I'm in class that none of this will matter anymore in a few weeks. Rewatching the second-to-last Smallville episode where they leave high school, it only made me feel worse. From here on out, everything will change. Just like that. In a New York minute. High school is a whole new ballgame, and all I can hope is that I make it to first base.

Thanks for listening.

5.29.2005

This Old House

So I've been going through my old stuff. And it's strange. I'm getting the feeling of nostalgia again, like when I was writing that short story, which I never finsihed, by the way. I found that book, Love That Dog, which I bout in 5th grade, and it's still just as sad and great as it was the first time I read it. I found the Stratford Landing Directory, too. The one with the school song on the back. The really corny one to the tune of "Grand Old Flag", which I used to be able to sing in 7 seconds.

I tried to find my Autobiography/Time Capsule Project from last year, but my mom says it's in the attic. It's for the better. It's only been a year and I'm going to wait until the last day of my senior year. I also plan to record a tape the day before the first day of my freshman. Speaking of this kind of stuff, a long time ago, November 19, I think, during the big essay thing we had to write in science, I did one of the experiements where I had to to write down EVERYTHING I did that day and then had to recall as much as I could one week later, 4 weeks, 3 months, 6 months and a year later. I set my cell to alert me, and a while ago, the 6 month alert showed up, but I didn't do anything about it. I wanted to see if I could last until November. I hope so. It's tempting, cause I wrote it on my cell, so I can access it anytime I want. But I won't. Just like I won't continue to look for the project. I want to hold out as long as possible. I don't knwo how I last, but I always do. Maybe it's because I become so preoccupied with other things that I don't remember to remember these things. Or maybe I'm just a patient guy. Either way, I can't wait to open that box again, and I can't wait to "graduate" form middle school and actually graduate from high school. But I don't want to leave this house. You would think that after all I've been through here, it would be the easiest thing to do. But this house is now a home; my home. There's a lot here to say goodbye too, and I'm just glad that goodbye won't be anytime soon.

Man, I need to talk about somehting cheerful. Lately, all my posts have been about rememberance, and nostalgia, and goodbyes. This is what you get for being so sentimental. Sigh. Oh well. Hopefully, I'll be blogging more happily and cheerfully, and maybe not about a big topic, and just for fun, after Morgan's party. I can't wait. (seriously, it's just that an exclamation point would be out of place in this post.) Well, it's late and I have to go. Thanks for listening. Seriously.

5.27.2005

The Commentators

It seems like everything's ending so fast. SOL's are over; Busch Gardens is over, which only leaves one concert and an assembly; all the parties and end-of-year celebrations are coming; today is the last Friday before the last month of school. And now there are only 15 days of school left. Everything's just ending too soon. I can't wait for my end-of-year party though. I gotta get the invites ready soon. Oh, and Morgan's party is on Monday, and my mom let me go!!! I'm super-excited cause I haven't been to a party in a long time, though I have had them. The end-of-year party is probably going to be June 18, and I'm gonna invite like everyone. So far, I'm gonna invite: Katie, Morgan, Michael, Spencer, James (though he probably won't come), John, Amanda, Crystal, Kara, Ashleigh, Emily, Jordan, Meredith, Steph, Ryan, Chris, Zach, Ed, Patrick, Mariam, Stephanie, and more. I might invite people like Nadya or Alex or Meghan, but I'm not sure.

Oh, before I leave, I thought I would respond to my feverous comments I've gotten over the past week and a half.

John: Thanks for calling my blog great; that means a lot.
Morgan: Don't go insane! Lol! Also, learn to control your anger a bit. ;)
Morgan: I wasn't at a party, I was in the cafeteria at school while the Math 8 people took their SOL. And your brithday will NOT be crap! I will personally make it my goal to see to it that your birthday is not crap.
Leighton: Thanks for reading my posts and it's strange that you keep up on my posts, even though we're not friends anymore. (I talk to people I'm not friends with normally, like Abbey and Matt and Suhmeda; I don't ignore them, so sorry if me talking normally to you seems strange) I think you misunderstood why I didn't wanT to be your friend anymore. It wasn't because I just decided, "OK, I'm bored. Why not destroy one of my best friendships? Genius!" As much as you might not belive me, you're not the person I met in 6th grade anymore. No one is, but you've changed in a bad way. Maybe you might not see it, and maybe a lot of people don't see it, but I see it. I'm not shunning you, either. I just can't be friends with you anymore. Try to understand.
Morgan: We're not fighting. I hope. This isn't a trial or a tribulation. It's just something that happened. And I'm not in control of your life. Me not being friends with you may have been a blessing in disguise, but I hope that you can forgive me. Yes, you were annoying, but I should've stayed friends with you. Maybe not. I don't know. But the past is the past. Let the dead bury the dead.
Meredith: Nothing major happened. No big fight or argument. No blowout. It just happened.
Leighton: Believe me, I thought we were cool, too. But as much as I try to hide the bad in my life from myself, I couldn't hide what you were turning into. You say you're friends with Matt sometimes, but for me, I can't live that way, being friends with someone when they aren't annoying only. If someone bothers me, I'm not going to force myself to put up with them, so I can have them as friend half the time. That's way I stopped being friends with Diana and Matt. I almost lost Morgan and Patrick this way, too. But I didn't. I don't ignore you. I just don't want to say anything that mgith end up in a blowout, making things worse.
Morgan: I'm not mad at Leighton. I can't blame someone for being the way they are. This is just somehting that happened. And this isn't a soap opera. I'm not buff. Or have a tan. Or dating 3 women while cheating on my wife and having drowned her ex-husband while my evil twin brother lies in a coma.
Emily: OH YEAH!! 1-800-SEXY!!!
Morgan: We called you remember? We had fun anyways! And we text-messaged! Naughty, naughty!
John: Roman Rapids is like AWESOME!!! Though it can't beat the Popeye rapid ride at Universal Studios Islands of Adventure!
Morgan: Yes. I love art and how you can express yourself.

OK. I hope this can clear up any issues that have gone on. Thanks to everyone who's made my blog possible, like Google and all my readers, who have made my counter go past 3,333 hits! Thanks! Keep on reading! Keep on commenting! Don't be afraid to say what you want on my blog as comments! That's what we're hear for. To speak. To talk. To express ourselves. Thanks for listening.

5.26.2005

Golden Dawn

I just finished reading Tangerine. And I've used 5 tissues and cried 3 times. It was so frustrating seeing Paul and how I couldn't help him, mainly becuase he's not real. But I sort of felt a connection with him. There's so much stuff I'm scared to tell people, but I never can. And just like his parents, mine don't see anything either. And they never will. As much good that happens in my life, it's always offset by bad. But when you don't tell anyone about the bad, all people see is the good. The bad is nullified, just like all the Lake Windsor High football records. I felt that hatred, that I've felt so many times, toward Erik, a fictional character in a book. Maybe Erik stands for someone else in my life. I don't know. I just don't know.

I'm surprised how good the book was. I wish I had read it before. I sat down an hour ago and read about 150 pages in one sitting. It was really good. It's just one of those books like and Blind-Sighted, which just really hit me hard with the emotions. I think that's why I want to be a writer. So I can share those emotions that everyone feels with them. Reading what you can't say out loud is a strange feeling. You realize that you can't reveal them, but by the end, you feel better. You feel refreshed. As if you'd just eaten a nice, crisp, seedless, juicy, perfect tangerine.

I wish I could say what I want. We have this so-called "freedom of speech", but I can't bring myself to use it. I don't know if freedom of speech is a blessing or a curse. Only when I'm here can I say what I want. Without worrying how I'll be judged. How people will think of me. Who will yell at me for saying what I want to say. Who will despise me after they read that I don't want to be friends with them anymore because they've turned into a different person. This stupid world of popularity status and who we're seen with taints the innocence we habe when we're younger. When we don't know anything about the world, and our curiosity about everything is in its prime. But we're silenced. We stop being amazed by the greatness of everything. How an elephant moves. How sharp a knife is. How well a house is built. How a butterfly flaps its wings. It bores us. And we move on. We take it for granted. And we move on. We forget how it first enchanted us. And we move on.

5.21.2005

Best Trip Ever

The trip of a lifetime. My last music trip ever. The time of our lives. Was it?

Yes.

OK, I had the most besterest time EVER yesterday. EVER. It was freaking awesome with a CAPITAL A-W-E-S-O-M-E. EvErything WAS grEAt!!! I WEnt On a tOn Of ridES and it was just AWESOME. We went on Roman Rapids 3 times in a row and got soaked and I like was screaming in Curse of DarKastle and I stuffed 2 funnel cakes down my throat in ten minutes and I had fun with Emily and Zach and Ryan and Jordan and Michelle and Jessica and Morgan and I took some pictures and I got a ton of inside jokes which are in my AIM profile and I had awesome fun and so much awesomeness!!!! I had the best time EVER!!! Just thought you'd like to know.

5.19.2005

And I Feel Fine

My world is Fallign apartt. Eveyrthings' goign so Wrong. lEIGHTON ogt mad at me. I foudnd out Morgan changed herslef for me, the last thign I wnated, adfetr how i treated her. my englsih grade is zoomign AWAY. iM becoming meaner TO some poeple. people r haiting me evenmore. i cant stop being sadd. i never WANTEDE to lose my frieinds. i jsut Expected to it to ahpen, AFter how I RTAETED some peopl,e I SHOULD hav expected it. EVYTHINGs going wrong

5.18.2005

Breakaway

So I'm in the school cafeteria, and I've been here for the past 2 and a half hours with about 200 other people doing nothing.

I don't want to be friends with Leighton anymore. We've kinda been moving apart, but now I've realized that he's not the kind of person I want to know. He's just like everyone else, putting on different masks for different people. When will this stupid school facade end? I stopped doing that a long time ago. And I know he'll read this and post a comment and probably make a good point I overlooked, but I don't care. He's just another friend who wasn't. And so begins the slow and painful loss of friends. As long as I tried to evade the inevitable, it's here. And it's happening. First Abbey, then Suhmeda. And now this.

This cafeteria lock-in hasn't been all bad. Some N*sync fans and I sung their songs. I died of laughter. I'm growing closer to Stephanie, more than I thought I would, even though it won't go past friends. I met one of Liz' friends, and though being super-preppy and a friend of Liz's, she was OK. So today so far was OK.

I really want to get out of here, even though I don't want to go back to class. I feel so exhausted. Not just today, but every day. As much as I think I'm going to miss the last 2 years, I want it to be OVER. I'm sick and tired of these stupid insignificant issues we deal with everyday. What should I wear? What's I got on my test? Who's dating who? I just want it to be over. I have top break away from the torture of everything in out lives. I just need to get away from everything. But, sadly, I can't. Thanks for listening.

5.14.2005

Laid Forward

My friends are smart. And right. I shouldn't be asking questions, but instead finding answers. I will find answers. Like I say, life is what you make of it. So I'm going to make my life the best it can be. :)

So today was super boring. I woke up at 4, went to sleep woke up at 8, ate, watch tv for a half-hour, then went back upstairs and listened to music for an hour, then woke up, then returned to bed at 11 and slept til 1. Then I swept the leaves outside for like 35 minutes until I realized I'd been sweeping the same spot the entire time. Then I ate cake. So then I watched TV, surfed the web, ate dinner, had a short voice-chat with Leighton, and then watched TV again. Then I watched TV with my mom and then my dad came home and then I came up here and started writing this post. B. O. R. I. N. G. But I'm not so bored anymore. So I just thought I'd tell you what I did today. :) Thanks for listening.

P.S. I have serious issues. For the past 15 minutes, I've been trying to come up with a title for this post. For some reason, every post title has to perfectly fit the post. Aargh. I still don't know what

5.13.2005

A Movie Script Ending

Isn't it strange when you're hyper and tired? Happy and bored? Excited and exhausted? It's weird. Well, that's how I fee right now. I'm really hyper but I can't stop yawning.

Today is Friday the 13th. And my blog's 5-month anniversary.

What will happen to us? Our friendships, I mean. Ashleigh and me. Morgan and me. Leighton and me. Michael and me. All these people I will only see during parties or randomly bumping into them in stores, which I hate anyways, no matter who it is. I feel so vulnerable there. Anyways, what does gonna happen? I don't know, but I feel myself getting closer and moving farther away from different people. I mean, I'm friends with so many people, but some are pushing themselves, or I'm pushing them, away, and some are getting closer than I ever thought. I thought Morgan was really annoying before and now she's one of best friends. I barely knew John Butchko 2 months ago, and now I hang out with him all the time. I used to be really good friends with James and Michael, and now I only see them at their lockers or on the bus or the occasional sentence in class. What happened to us? Not just me. Everyone. Everyone's changed so drastically since I first met them. Do I even know them anymore? I don't know. And I have noticed something HORRIBLE that kills me. Remember Tom? I didn't think so. Tom Minogue was one of best friends 4 months ago. In the past month, I've seen him 3 times. He's switched to a different gym period, and he took our friendship with it. I'm not saying it's his fault. I mean, like, we just never saw each other except in the halls once every blue moon, so we never hung out, and we pretty much barely know each other anymore. It's sad, because I still go to the same school as him, yet I never see him. Now I'm going to a completely different school many miles away with different schedules and maybe I will lose these people too. I know I said the opposite in an earlier post, but even though I won't forget you, maybe I will lose you. I'm starting to realize why Diana was so skeptical of going, and still is. It's too late for me, and even if it wasn't, I'm not so sure I'd want to not go. I guess I just don't know. How different my life would be if I hadn't gotten in. Just how I wonder what would've happened if I'd taken the bus on Mary Baldwin instead of Dartmouth. What would've happened if I'd moved to Virginia a month later. A month earlier. What if, what if, what if. I hate those words so much. Why can't I stop wondering what if, and just move on? Because I like the past. I like reflecting on the past and learning from my mistakes.

I was talking to people about how much I'm going to miss middle school. In just 2 years, I did so much, met so many people, and had so many experiences. I may not be missing the school or the teachers, but the experiences that occurred while I went here are going to be missed. Even the bad ones that made me stronger and the great ones that made me better. In two years, I had 3 girlfriends, completely changed my outlook on life, lost my closest friend, broke down and cried, wrote so much, went through two cell phones, made tons of friends, had 6 parties, read so many books, got into so many bands after liking only 2, and learned so much about everything. And now that we're splitting up, I feel like it's senior year and we're all leaving to go to different colleges. It makes me feel sad. Really sad. Where are we going? What are we going to do? Who will we meet? What will life teach us? Will we have a happy ending?

What will happen to us?

Bed of Inspiration

Music
I love music. It can get you up and alive with just one note.
It plays / I
in the / get
back / up
ground / and
with / dance
a / like
tune / I’ve
all / never
its / danced
own. / before.
the / Like
rhythm / a
and / wild
the / jungle
beat / animal
of my heart / I flail my
make their music / arms every where.
together in harmony / My pulse races fast
as one voice singing the / as I rejoice in the beauty
same soulful song. It / of the wonderful music
fills me with love and / I am surrounded by.
my heart plays the / I smile because
piano of joy / I am with my
softly. / music.



Medley
There once was a man from Peru,
And everything was blue to him.
He left his house and encountered
Two roads that diverged in a yellow wood.
He couldn’t make up his mind, so he ran
On little cat feet.
He bumped into a man that was selling
Sunshine on a cloudy day.
He replied that he didn’t like it in a box or with a fox or in the rain or on a train.
So the man from Peru asked him,
“Do you know the Muffin Man?”
Because that is the question.
The man answered,
“Elementary, my dear Watson.
It is the beating of his hideous heart!”
This made no sense, so he left and met his ex-wife, who was sobbing.
“Don’t cry for me, Argentina,” he said,
“Even though it is the best and worst of times.”
And they lived happily ever after.

Wickedly Strange
Should I rhyme this strange poem?
Should I give it a name?
Should I make it dramatic,
or comically lame?
How many stanzas
Should my limerick have?
But limericks don't have stanzas!

I know that last line
Didn't rhyme.

And neither did that one.
I'm sure of that.
MAYbe my poem should've been short,
like the one 'bout the fat cat.
Maybe this poem is dumb,
and maybe I'm a bum.
But I write poetry for fun,
even under the sun.

OK, that made no sense whatsoever.

What? So? Ever! I said,
and I'll say it again!
Whatsoever's a word,
and it's my new best friend.
Can you believe I have
A dictionary of rhymes?
Man, do I like
wasting my time.

So I must end this
wickedly strange poem somehow,
But how? How?
I must end it now!
So I'm too lazy to work
and I don't feel like trying.
So how about I end it,
by saying Goodbye... ing.


 

Warning: Results May Vary

8.10.2005

Restart

Sarah Dekay hates me. She hates me because she thinks I was an idiot to kiss Emily that night a long time ago. She hated my course of action. She hates me a lot. I kept thinking about it. And I started playing Swallowed By The Sea by Coldplay and all the feeling rushed back to me. I don't know what I saw in Emily. Now I just see a friend. I guess the feelings faded away.

Her "boyfriend", Lloyd, is very strange. For one thing, I don't think he exists. He sounds exactly like Emily. I don't know how she's doing it, but she is. At least, I think so.

I think Ryan is jealous of me. I think I'm not careful when I mention things, because he has very low self-esteem, and I forget that sometimes. He puts himself down a lot. I just get the feeling he is envious of me. What he says implies it, but I try to ignore it and change the subject.

I feel very down. I don't know why. I have everything I could ever want. But I feel empty. Just a little, though.

By the way, this is goodbye. I'm starting a new screenname on Blogger, with a new blog. And I'm not going to tell you the address. I'm tired of not being able to say everything I want because I'm afraid of hurting someone. I'm supposed to be free here, but I'm still restrained. So goodbye, ryter221.blogspot.com, and hello to a new beginning. Alone.

8.07.2005

867-5309

Hey. Finally, I'm back to writing on my blog. First, let's start with camp. Camp was goodish. Some parts were great, and some were kinda boring. I made a bunch of friends and I met someone who's going to TJ, so I'll see him next year. I finally got to make a movie with different angles of shots, which is really cool. I also used Final Cut Pro, which is extremely cool to use. I almost got in serious trouble for being out of bed really late, all because I listened to a song. (Don't ask.) I played this really cool computer game with everyone else. I played Soul Meets Body a million times. And then I came home. It wasn't the best camp experience, but it was fun.

On Saturday, I woke up really early to go with my parents to the grand opening of the new Apple store in the Pentagon City Mall. It was a nice store, but not so huge, I got a free Apple T-shirt, though! After I came back, I had to sleep so I wouldn't be so tired for Jon's birthday party. Sadly, I didn't know it was Jon's birthday, so I didn't bring a gift. But I am definitely getting him one. We went to Dave & Buster's, and I won a load of tickets. I traded them in for a bunch of crap, but we had fun. Alex let his hair grow long, so now he looks like a skater guy man person. Mikey, Rachel's brother, sounds and looks just like her, only in guy form. Jon is pretty much the same, but I really wish he hadn't failed 7th grade. Even though he wouldn't be going to my school anyways, he seems pretty bummed out he's just now going into 8th grade. I really hope he does well.

For a second, Leighton re-entered my life. Alex called him last night on my phone, and I found out he was the anonymous poster from my blog today. Oh crap. Another coincidence. I just happen to be in a car with Alex when he just happens to call Leighton the day he leaves an anonymous comment on my blog. Wow. That's not the most recent coincidence, though. At camp, on Monday, we pass a clock on a pole, and the time is 3:09. The next day, at breakfast, Mason, the guy who is going to TJ, tells me his room number is 309. The same day, at around 11, one of my roommates, Joe, tells me his room last year was 309. Then the next day, Wednesday, we're playing Uno, when someone plays a 3, and I think, it would be really weird if someone played a 0 and then a 9. And then someone plays a skip, whose symbol is an O. And then someone plays a 9. 309. Very freaky. I think I might start a new blog filled with all the coincidences that happen to me. It's strange. Very strange...

Well, that's all for now, so I'll leave you with a simple quote to remember me by: "Hey Anony! Why don't you go write a poem or something and not attribute it to yourself???"

Thanks for listening.

7.27.2005

Apple Of My Eye

OK. It finally happened. After months and months of waiting, planning, deciding, and not having anything happened, I finally took the plunge. I bought an iMac. The 17" 2.0gHz model with SuperDrive, to be exact. I used my dad's student discount to buy this with Applecare, plus an iPod mini with Applecare, for which we will get the full price back because of the special offer you get when you buy a Mac. I'm writing this post on this computer. Everything is so different, yet so great. iChat rocks, except for the fact that you can't sort them into groups. Garageband KICKS ASS!!! I already made one song, which was pretty bad, but I liked it. iCal and Address Book are handy, and the DVD Player is great. The graphics rock, and the audio is suprisingly good. I love the Mac interface and everything, but getting used to control-clicking and te opion key instead of control is going to take getting used to. So everything has been normal. We've been looking into other country camps, mainly France, for next summer. But they're all very expensive or require a group tour. I did find one good one, but I keep forgetting to show my parents. I didn't get Final Cut Express because the offer went away suddenly, but I'll get it eventually. I still have to buy .mac, iSight, Microsoft Office S&TE, and Final Cut Express. But I'm so happy! I'm ecstatic!! Well, I have to get back to screwing with this computer. That.. didn't.. sound.. right. I meant messing with it. :D Thanks for listening!

7.23.2005

The New Year

Hey guys! John just got a new buddyprofile, so I thought I'd check out my old one and update it. So I went on and deleted the dumb stuff, updated a little, and found one page I wrote on January 1, 2005 about 2004. I was really excited, cause I've always wished I had something I wrote that day, 12 days before my first blog post. So here is what I wrote that day, before the messy friendships, new bands, and second semester of the school year. I grammar-and-spelling fixed it, and added punctuation and crap.

The End of the Year that Brought Us Nipplegate, the Cockroach-Eating iPod Guys, the Shout Heard 'Round the World and a False Idol
(That would be Jackson, Dean, and Hung, by the way)

Well, it’s January 1st, 2005 and I was bored, so I figured I’d start my buddyprofile off with a new entry thingamajiggy. Yeah, I said thingamajiggy. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever said that non-word. I LOVE NON-WORDS, like emans and burb and kevnig! So... well, props to my friends, especially if you got a present from me, then that means your a good friend of mine, and especially to school people, like my best friends Ashleigh and Leighton, and my oldest friends, Mike, Spencer, Abbey, Katie, James, Brian and Amanda, and also to Carly and Ben and Rachel and my new friends from more recent years, and also to camp people, like Nick, Jason, Mike, Austin, Matt, Alex, Tom, Fagnoni, Sarah, Sara, Brynn, Mimi, Carolyn, and everyone else who I forgot (sorry)! Yeah, also go every band I like, which are 3 Doors Down, A Perfect Circle, Alanis Morisette, Alien Ant Farm, American Hi-Fi, the Ataris, Autopilot Off, Barenaked ladies, Bit Shifter, Bjork, Blink-182, Breaking Benjamin, Bruce Springsteen, Coheed and Cambria, Coldplay, Counting Crows, the Darkness, Dashboard confessional, Dave Matthews Band, David Gray, Dido, evanesence, Eve6, Finger Eleven, Fuel, Green Day, Hoobastank, Hot Hot Heat, Incubus, Interpol, Jamiroquai, jason mraz, jet, Jimmy Eat World, Keane, the Killers, Lifehouse, Lit, Lostprophets, Luce, Maroon 5, Matchbox Twenty, Michael Jackson, Michelle Branch, Midtown, Moby, Modest Mouse, My Chemical Romance, Nickelback, Nirvana, Oasis, the Offspring, Phantom Planet, the Postal Service, Puddle of Mudd, Queen, Queens of the Stone Age, R.E.M., the Rasmus, Saliva, Shaggy, Simple Plan, Sixpence None the Richer, Smile Empty Soul, Snow Patrol, Staind, Story of the Year, the storkes, Susanne Vega, Switchfoot, Taking Back Sunday, Ted-Leo and the Pharmacists, Three Days Grace, Train, Trapt, Tweaker, U2, Vertical Horizon, the Verve, the Vines, Weezer, Yellowcard, and any other bands I forgot! Plus, go my Sidekick and my iPod! Also, hooray for writing and I really hope I’m a good author, and also, go our bus driver, Ms. Trisha, cause she drives us 2 school and she’s nice, kinda! Plus, go quotes that randomly are created when something hilarious happens! But boo Mr. Margenau, who technically I could sue for slander, and boo to chores and cleaning and slow internet and no service areas and broken glasses and annoying computer programs and faulty and drives and slow internet and stupid AIM error messages! So there’s my stuff and I don’t think I have any resolutions because I don’t believe in that stuff. Also, YES, I AM ATHEIST and if you don’t like it, deal. Also, please, people, if I don’t like someone (cough, cough, Matt) and you (cough, cough, Morgan) want to make me and that person friends, don’t. Also, I wish everyone a great new year, even though people want a short quick buddyprofile and they’ll never get this far down, and if you did, I congratulate you. That’s my letter to you people!

So there ya go. The first thing I wrote in 2005. I'm gonna change "buddyprofile" to "blog" and put it up as the first post. No, actually I'm not. But I'll leave it here for everyone to read. Also, the entropy level keeps rising. More coincidences. I went to see The Island today, which, by the way, was really good, and in the movie, one guy is describing the head boss guy, saying he has a "god complex". And guess what song has the same words in it? The song we sung the entire time at camp and the song I haven't been able to stop listening to since I got back. In Sugar, We're Goin Down by Fall Out Boy, a line in the chorus says, "A loaded god complex, cock it and pull it." Very weird. And piled on top of that, today, my parents went to the mall and wanted to buy me new shoes, but I really liked my current sneakers, so my mom suggested she buy the same pair, but new ones, of course. So I said OK and she told me to write down the model information. I pick up the shoe and the model number is 405. The same name of a song by a band whose album and DVD I had preordered yesterday. Death Cab For Cutie. This is getting out of control. Well, ta ta for now, but I thought I would alarm you about more freaky coincidences like the recent ones. Watch out. You never know when the lentils and rice will seperate. Thanks for listening.

7.22.2005

Time Of Our Lives

I'm back! I am back from camp for an entire week! And how wrong I was about everything. Everything was so sucky from Sunday to Tuesday. I really wasn't gonna come back and wanted to leave. Man, was I wrong. All it took was a dance to change everything. Stupid Arielle, aka Castgirl, asked me and I decliend. Nicely, of course. Brynn asked me for her friend, Jamie, but I didn't want to go with anyone, but I said I'd save her a dance. But when, after standing around like a moron for half an hour at the dance, Brynn pulled me over, we started dancing. If you can call it dancing. I was a drunk doing the Hokey Pokey. But I headbanged, jumped, cha-cha slid, Cotton Eye Joe'd, leaned back, 1, 2 stepped, and danced the night away. I danced with Brynn, Stephanie, Jenny, and mostly Jamie, who was really cool. I had a ton of fun and she said it made her day, since it was her birthday. I stopped worrying about Sara and said hi without shaking. On Thursday, things got way better. They still though I was weird, but we were all friends by now. Tito got used to the ruining things, and we dealt with John's smell. We won the Colony Olympics by a long shot, and had an awesome time doing it. We rocked, danced, had a basketball shootout, we talked, laughed, ran, jumped, slid, screamed, clapped, and had fun. We had an awesome time, and I SO am coming back next year. Another one of the best weeks of my life. I can't wait to come back for the last time. And who knows? Maybe I'll be a CIT when I turn 16. I just can't wait. This year was the most freaking awesome week and I just can't describe the amount of fun it was. It just puts a smile on my face. I hope to see you camp people next year!!! Thanks for being so freaking awesome!!!!!!!!!!! :D

7.19.2005

Imperfections

I don't know what's wrong with me. Everything is going wrong. I want so much to just break down right now, but Nick is in here and he's too happy. I had the perfect chance this week to do everything right. To be me and show the real me. But all I did was wreck everything by being the person I hate. I was the person I always am when I'm with new people. I try to make myself interesting by adding quirks about me that don't exist. Just to be more "interesting". But all I do is make people hate me or think I'm a jerk or weird or gay or stupid or annoying. I show off without realizing it and make jokes no one laughs at. I try so hard to impress people that I just alienate myself from them. I ruin everything. I know Nick hates me, but he's too nice to say it. Our counseler thinks I'm weird and so do John, Paul, and Kevin. I don't even care what they think, but I want to be the perfect person for just a day. An hour. A minute. A second. All you can expect is a few moments of perfection, but not even that do I deserve. I just want everything to go right for once. It doesn't help that I'm the youngest of the people I "hang out" with. The only girl I was thinking of going with is extremely annoying. I get nervous whenever I see Sara, and everyone keeps telling me to go with one of them. I don't even want to go. And all I can do is continue to lie about everything: my feelings, my wants, my past, my life. One fix to fix a fix to fix a fix to fix a fix until I don't even know what the original problem was. Not even my overpowering optimism is showing. I just want this week to be over. So I can go back to the people who know the real me. The people who I don't have to lie to. The people that I care about. My friends. I propose a toast. To leaving on Friday. And to being back to normal with my friends. Thanks for listening.

7.17.2005

Camptown

Its very strange. A few weeks before camp started, I saw Donnie Darko, an extremely strange, but wickedly awesome, psychological thriller starring Jake Gyllenhal. Near the end of the movie, a song plays during the final scene, called Mad World. This song was originally created by Tears For Fears, but this version was performed by Gary Jules. The song is only available on the soundtrack, so most people either don't remember it or have never heard it. The day I arrived to camp, I saw a man who reminded me of Donnie Darko. Even though he looked nothing like Jake Gyllenhal, for some reason, he vaguely reminded me of Donnie. Then, today, during a melodramatic magic trick by our evening entertainment, he played Mad World. The Not-Widely-Known Gary Jules version. Add this to the coincedence that my roommate shares the EXACT same name and nickname as last year and the strange stuff that had been happening before I left, and I'd say we have a real high entropy level.

Other than that, and the fact that I've only been eating grilled cheese's, my stomach hurts, I keep forgetting my water bottle, and the sweltering heat and humidity is killing me, it's been great. Since Sara, my dance partner, aka date, from last year is never looking up when I am looking up at her and we still haven't said hi, a girl who was flirting with me, Arielle, is probably gonna be my date for Wednesday. My digital photography class is great, as is my chemistry class. All we did in chem is play Uno, so that was fun. My roommate, Nick, is 15, even though he doesn't look it. He is quiet-ish and he doesn't bother me, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me. I dunno why. Well, I gotta go. But I'll keep you posted on what's happening later! Thanks for listening.

7.16.2005

Field of Dreams

I just woke up from the weirdest and longest dream I've ever had and I have to write it down before I forget.

It started out with me having just moved to a creepy old house, and for some reason, my entire family was in one bedroom. Across the hall was a bathroom and we started to hear clanging from the bathroom. My mom and I went to go check it out and we saw a ghost, so I tried to catch it, but it disappeared. I was like "Well, at least it's gone." but my mom said it was still there, under the window curtain. I pressed into the curtain with my hands and the image of a person stuck out, so I took the curtain, wrapped it around the ghost, tied it up, and folded it a million times until it was really small. (I can't remember what we did to the ghost, but then, my dream cut to me and my brother in a treehouse in out backyard.) I was explaining to someone, like Ferris Beuller does in his movie, that my brother was semi-deranged and I also told them how my sister didn't live withus anymore because she was quadripeligic and smoked pot and was really bad and stuff so they sent her to boarding school. (I can't remember what happened next, but I know it was scary and involved my brother. Then the dream cut to me, older, as a computer consultant.) I was quitting my job and yelling at my boss in his face, literally, nose to nose, how much I hated him and stuff. Then for some reason, I was a male model. And I was playing tennis on a hillside estate with someone who appeared to be my friend, I guess. Then I was dating a Latin singer who had a dress on whenever I saw her. Then I was in a store, in front of a cardboard thing, advertising camping gear and I was the model in the advertisement. I was with the singer and we were talking about how famous we'd gotten but how we'd had to hire 2,000 replacement look-alikes of ourselves while we went on a vacation together. Then we were having dinner at what seemed to be a museum with a really tall ceiling. And we were talking about stuff and I think I said something bad, cause she started yelling and saying that if I couldn't commit to this relationship, there wouldn't be one to commit to. And she jumped over a railing and started singing and dancing with about 100 people who were all coordinated and sychronized, including a Mexican mariachi band. (And I think she was singing a Gloria Estefan song, but I'm not sure.) Then after the song ends, my parents walk by, and my dad says "Thanks for the dinner. I'm glad you would even wear us." (Which I guess meant I didn't really make time for them or didn't want to be seen with them or something.) Then I was back in my computer consulting office, begging for my job back, and I got it. And then I think a year passed, and I was planning to reconcile with my ex-girlfriend, but I woke up. (The part right after I get my job back is kinda hazy.)

As I said, the weirdest and longest dream ever. I always forget dreams like 220 minutes after I had them, so I always try to write them down immediately. Like once, I was calling out someone's name when I was half-asleep, and I couldn't remember the name, even while I was whispering it. But usually, if I write it down fast enough, I can have a record of it. Well, thanks for listening.

7.15.2005

Paper Street

OK. Wow. Strange. Really good. I just finished reading Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. That movie with Brad Pitt and Edward Norton is based on this book. Chuck also wrote that book, Haunted, with the story about Saint Gut-Free. When I found out Chuck was the one who wrote Fight Club, I decided I had to read it. And boy, was I right. Wow. Another amazing novel. It's told in the weirdest way ever, but in a good way. He really captures the essence of Tyler and his friend in a weird way, where even though "they" are the strangest of characters, you can somehow relate. The ending leaves a bit to be wanted, but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. And even though it doesn't have suspense in the typical sense, you just really want to keep reading it. I really reccomend this book to anyone. I really love Chuck's books, and I had already started Survivor, also by him, before I started Fight Club, and it's good so far, too. It's told in a similar fashion as Fight Club. I really encourage you to read it.

Also, I forgot to mention in my last post that it was my 6-month anniversary. And I won't be publishing my novel on that other blog, because I read about some copyright issues and crap and techincal stuff, so just take my word for it. And lastly, I won't be buying my computer until September 20, because the Mac Expo in Paris' keynote willl be on that day, and since last year at the Paris Mac Expo, they announced the new iMacs, people think it's likely they'll anounce a new design change for the iMacs this year as well. So that's it. Thanks for listening.

7.13.2005

Crash

OK. Freaky-tiki stuff going on around here. This morning, at around 1 A.M., I awoke to the sound of my mom frantically talking to someone on the phone. Shocked by what time it was, I yelled downstairs to ask what was going on. My mom yelled for me to come and see, and shockingly, a large SUV had apparently lost control, swerved, and landed on it side, knocking over a steet sign. As I stare din awe, my mom explained that she had called 911. Telling her to stay away from the windows, in case the car exploded, we stepped to the side as the fire trucks and police cars arrived. My mom, the busybody, wanted to keep watching through the windows, but I was afraid the police might become suspicious and question us. So after the fire truck left, signifying there wasn't much cause for alarm, I convinced her to go sleep. I remained awake, lying in my bed, staring at the detective who was taking pictures of the scene. Evetually, he left, and I fell asleep some time after that. That was this morning. At around 4:20 PM today, a horrible thunderstorm hit around our house. The thunder shook the walls and the power went out for a bit. When I came out of the basement, I checked outside to see if everything was all right as the rain poured down. And then I saw our VCR/DVD recorder. All the digital clocks had been reset, but this one was different. The little lines on the display were spinning. Like in The Ring, with the tape. It was really weird. I was a little spooked so I turned it on and off. And then the time came back on. THE CORRECT TIME. Very weird. And to top it all off, my mom got electrocuted. Not badly or anything, she just got a current sent through her. So it's been weird.

Guess what? It's camp time again! On Sunday, I leave for George Mason University for a week. Then I'll come back! And I'll finally buy my computer! I finally saved up enough money to buy it myself, and not only will I get the student discount, but I can also use the offer to get a free iPod mini AND you can get Final Cut Express HD for $200 LESS THAN THE ACTUAL PRICE! YAY!!!! It normally costs $299, but with the student discount it only costs $150, but if you order it pre-installed on an iMac, it only costs you $99!

OK. Crap. The power just went out and I lost all the stuff I wrote about Macs and Abbey. I really don't wanna write it again, so here's a short summary:
  • gonna give iPod mini to my mom
  • gonna make many movies
  • Abbey contacted me a few days ago
  • read my entire blog; found out I "disliked" her
  • I said I didn't hate her, I just couldn't be friends
  • sucked to lose 4 years of friendship in an instant
So there you go. Thanks for listening.

7.09.2005

Characteristic Property

I drove. I actually drove. I comandeered a moving vehicle. I drove a car! Yippee!!! Well, actually it wasn't that big a deal. I drove in a square in an empty parking lot for 20 minutes. I learned how to make a U-turn, and how to turn. I actually didn't even use the gas pedal, because it went too far, so I just didn't press down the brake pedal, and the car moved. But everytime my dad told me to brake, I'd slam my foot down, and I almost sent him through the windshield because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt. Tsk tsk! But my dad showed me how you have to keep the steering wheel in motion and stuff. I already knew how to switch from park into drive and stuff, but I gotta learn not to brake so hard. It was exciting, though. I was really nervous, but it got easier as it went along, but I was dizzy from going around and arpund in the same place after a while.

In other news, I have started to form ideas for my next story/short story/novella/book/novel/tale/whatever it turns out to be. I finally bought "No Plot? No Problem!" by Chris Baty, the guy who made up NaNoWriMo. It'll help me along when I start writing on August 7. I don't want to start now, because I don't want to be interrupted by camp. August 7 is perfect, because it's the day after camp ends, and the 30 day deadline will expire on September 6, the day school starts. But in preparation, I'm reading "Characters, Emotion & Viewpoint" by Nancy Kress, so I can learn to write better characters. One of the things it tells you to do is to create a handful of characters you think can be in your book and create small biographies for them, including description, job, family and stuff. I created bio's for a 15-year-old loner and aspiring writer, a 23-year-old evil temptress whose father killed her mother and sister, a 21-year-old bartender/wanna-be comedian who ran away at age 16 and started a new life, a 53-year-old wise father whose wife is dead and whose daughter doesn't speak to him, a 14-year-old guitarist who lives with his brother because their parents died in a car crash, and a 15-year-old brainy vegetarian who is part-psychic. I also have 27 more mini-bios that aren't filled in yet, but I plan to fill in. What I'm really trying to do is create an abundance of characters, so that whenever I decide to write anything, I can have these characters to pick and choose from to edit to my liking. Kind of like the Generics from "The Well Of Lost Plots" by Jasper Fforde. Oh, and about the last two posts, those were just some writing I felt like doing. Kind of like practice.

So that's all on my part. I'll update you on my progress as it comes along. Thanks for listening!

7.08.2005

Runner

I burst through the front doors of the bookstore, gun in hand. Full of people, I had no idea how I was going to find one man in under 20 minutes. Of course, as soon as they saw the gun, people started screaming. "Relax! LAPD!" I yelled, as I flashed my badge. I glanced in all directions. There was only one way out of here, and that was through me. Ducking through the aisles, practically running over surprised customers, I saw a flash of orange out of the corner of my eye. "Stop! Police!" I yelled over the excited murmur of the rest of the store-goers. As I saw a display case of Harry Potter books fall over, I dashed over in a flash. This guy was really starting to get on my nerves. I saw him run through the mystery section and I followed him, but by the time I'd gotten to romance, he was gone. I stood on my toes, trying to see where he'd gone. Straining my eyes as much as possible, I couldn't see him. That's when I spotted the stairs. I sprinted up to the second floor, where only a few music lovers were gathered around a Rock/Pop shelf. It was as quiet up here as it was loud downstairs. Keeping my gun out of sight, and crouching low, I slowly crept through Country, Classical, and Folk, to no avail. I went through all four aisles of DVD's twice, but he was still nowhere to be found. I glanced at my watch. 8 minutes. "Dammit!" I exclaimed. I ran over to the balcony and scanned the first floor again. "Where are you?" I muttered to myself. And then, there he was. Midway through Historical Fiction, he was slowly trying appear as though he was one of the customers. I stupidly yelled "Stop!" only to realize the grandure of my error. The second he saw me, he ran to the exit. But he was on the other side of the store. I could catch him. I glanced at my watch. 3 minutes. I had no time to go to the stairs. I silently prayed as I leaped off the balcony, landing awkwardly on my ass. I picked myself up and dashed to the exit. There he was. Just a few feet in front of me. My watch beeped to tell me I had 1 minute left. "STOP!" I screamed, leaping into the air to catch him. And that's when the gun went off.

7.07.2005

George Warren

I got into a fight today. Well, you can't really call it a fight. More like being hit in the face with a fist and being knocked out for two minutes while whoever hit you ran away like a coward. Whoever it was left me with a black eye and a note taped to my locker, reading, "STAY AWAY FROM HER." Whoever she was. As much as I've been trying to avoid trouble since I got here, it finally caught up to me. Everyone's heard the stories about me. How I strangled my therapist. How I stabbed my stepmom when I was 9. How I almost died on a drug overdose. How I did whatever they say now. None of it's true, of course. I don't even have a stepmom. Or a therapist. Or drugs. But not even a wildfire spreads faster than a high school rumor. It doesn't help that I'm the "quiet type". At normal appearance, I don't think I look much like a psychopathic murderer. I have thick brown hair and brown eyes to match. I'm 6"1', but I don't look tall. My mom, who I have never stabbed, says I slouch, so that's probably it. I'm not fat, but I'm not a lamppost, either. My personality, though, speaks volumes more than my appearance does, which is ironic, since I hardly speak at all. I can mostly be seen reading or scribbling in a little notebook in a corner, alone. I have friends, though. Everyone should have friends, and I am no exception. I have my best friend, Julie, who i met this year at a "press conference", the stupid name our school calls the monthly meetings the entire school has. She bumped into me, spilled orange juice all over my favorite shirt, and we immediately became friends. She had short curly brown hair and a slender figure, though much shorter than me. But what really caught my eye were her striking blue eyes. They seem to stare straight into the depths of your soul. I wouldn't be surprised if they did. I've known her to make accurate, though extremely vague, predictions about people, their past, and their future. There's also my friend, Zimmy, who I rarely see, mostly because he lives in Canada. But when he does visit, he, Julie, and I hang out whenever possible. He's a year younger than us both, but he's really fun. He plays the guitar and is a great songwriter. He's very humble and says his work stinks, but I think it's really good. Maybe one day he'll get a recording contract. Zimmy is just a tad taller than me, despite the age difference. His head is barely covered with black hair he likes to keep in a buzzcut, and he has dark, dark, almost black, eyes. He's a bit chubby, but not overweight enough to be very noticeable.

7.01.2005

Such Great Heights

Wow. So much has happened in just 4 days. Let's start from the beginning.

When you're bored, do you ever sit and brainstorm about logical things to do? Things that would be feasible and enjoyable for everyone involved to do? I do. But guess what! My parents don't! When they're bored, they decide "Why not drive for 8 hours to Canada with 2 dogs and no planning?" Bad idea. Or was it? So we drive for 11 hours, because of the frequent doggy stops, with the usual griping and complaining. We get a false flat tire alarm. Luckily, Ryan's with me the entire ride, through IM on my phone, right down to when I get to the hotel.We arrive at our hotel at 2 AM, and when I wake up, my tonsils are the size of grapefruits. I struggle through the pain as we go see Niagara Falls, and... wow. Just wow. Wow. Incredible. You can't just see it in pictures or postcards. You have to see it in person to really see it. Wow. I would've stood there for hours just looking into the great vastness. And then it's time to run around the rest of Niagara. With 2 dogs. My mom gets into this Marineland place, so we search for a dog kennel. And what do we find? Farmland, guillotines, weird police officers, and one very annoyed operator. So we don't go to Marineland. By this time, everyone's pissed off at me, because I can't speak, move, or even breathe without it being taken the wrong way. So we head to our hotel room until it's time to see the Falls illuminated. Also very amazing. But since we have dogs, my mom is 3 miles ahead, while my dad lags 3 miles behind, as Tucker is tearing my hand off to run, and I only get to cherish the beauty of it all every once in a while. I have to come back before I die. But alone. So we only take 8.5 hours to get back home, where everything is fine. I rush to download iTunes 4.9 and check out the new iPods, as well as the new Student Union discount I gotta use by September. And then I sleep. I sleep and sleep. And sleep. And when I wake up, it's off to the doctors' office. Where a blood test and throat culutres will soon reveal what I have. Whatever it is. So that was my 4 days. Canada, tonsils, iPods, and sleeping. Thanks for listening.

6.26.2005

Piano Man

I got a huge slew of comments after my last-day-of-school post, which is why I kept it as the first post for so long. I don't want to respond to the comments, because I'll get sentimental and I'll start ranting, but thank you for the awesome comments.

So on Saturday, my parents, Spike, Tucker, Chiqui, and I went to a dog beach/park, where only dogs were allowed to swim. We spent a long time there and I had lots of fun, as did everyone else. I took pictures the entire time, and here are two of the really good ones:
When we got back, I looked on the internet for the piano notes for my new favorite song, Landed by Ben Folds. It's full of piano, so I thought I'd try to learn it. I found it on this website that gives you the first page free of any song that has sheet music. I tried to learn it for hours that day, and yesterday, and today. But I can't play it fast enough to make it sound right. Even Morgan couldn't do it. I browsed and played what I could of some songs. I learned This Love by Maroon 5 pretty well, and same with Clocks by Coldplay. I really like playing the piano, but since our real piano, which is actually a synthesizer with 29 keys, doesn't sound good at all, or sound in general, I'm stuck with the computer, and playing the piano on a keyboard is harder than it seems.

I've also been listening to Bastard by Ben Folds, and there's a line that always makes me laugh for some reason. It goes "Kids today getting old too fast; they can't wait to grow up so they can kiss some ass; they get nostalgic about the last 10 years before the last 10 years have passed." That line always makes me laugh. I think I'm laughing at myself, because part of that is me. I can't wait to grow up (though I don't really look forward to kissing ass) just so I can rememeber what I'm going through now. I want to be nostalgic about the next 4 years when I haven't even experienced them. That song is a great song. I also like the lines "The more he knew, he knew he didn't know shit. The whiz man never fit him like the whiz kid did." You should listen to it. Well, that's all for today. Thanks for listening.

6.24.2005

Closing Time

It's over. It happened. It's gone. The end. Middle school is gone forever. And a whole new world has stepped into our lives.

No one can have the same experiences as you, or live the same life as you, but in that instant, when the last bell of forever rings, you feel united. With those you love, those you hat, and those you don't know. All together with the same goal: to leave school behind. But we become sad. We don't want to leave school. From 6th to 7th, we all went to the same middle school. But we lost a few. From 7th to 8th, we were still in the same school. We lost a few, but we made it happily. But from middle school to high school, it's a big step. We won't just lose a few; I'm losing all but 20. 19 from now, and one who we lost 4 years ago. And as we go in different directions, we tell each other, and ourselves, that we will always have these people in our hearts. Have I forgotten Kat Mallow or Katy Anderson? Brandon Sankey or Holly Martin? No. And I never will. These people exist in our minds because we keep them there, and we hold on to them so tightly. We tell each other, and ourselves, that there will ALWAYS be parties and that we'll keep in touch by e-mail and phone and AIM. I still talk to Mike and Chelsea. I still keep in touch with Devon and Kyle. Sometimes. When I can. If possible. Rarely. Never. We tell each other, and ourselves, that it's not like we're moving; we're just going to different schools. I mean, it's not hard to talk to someone who you never see. Never. Whatever we tell each other, or ourselves, it doesn't matter, because we WILL do these things, because we love each other. And we can't stand to live without each other. Friends are what make everything better when you're sad. Friends are there for you. Friends love you for who you are. Friends are your friends. And you never forget your friends.

This year has been wild. I met so many people and gained so many new friends. From the bus, from gym, from French, from everywhere. On my way to French, Ashleigh says hi to some guy and I say "So that's what his name is! I see him everyday and last year, too, and I never knew his name." I had wild parties and awesome days at my house. Our memories will never be erased. I got close to friends I didn't expect to, and I lost a few friends, too, but in the end, it's been a perfect year. I wouldn't want to change ANYTHING. I would not have done anything different. Really. That's how awesome this year was for me. Even my B+ in English I wouldn't change. Even my fight with Morgan I wouldn't change. Even my angriness I wouldn't change. This year was all I wanted it to be and more. And now that it's over, it's a bit saddening. But I know that I always have these memories, these pictures and videos and clips and flashes and quotes, to remind me of everything from this great year. And even the last year. I still loved that one, too. It has beeen the best 2 years of my life and I don't think anyone has ever had this much fun in middle school. I can only hope that my 4 years of high school will be this great. And how can I help but not be optimistic? I'm not dead. Or paralyzed. I don't have cancer or lukemia. I don't have any brken bones. I have 3 loving parents. Who mess up every once in a while, but they're OK. I'm not blind or deaf. I have all my limbs. I can talk and write and read and everything. I can skip, run, jump, walk, sprint, run, charge and leap. I have tons of friends who love me. Friends who will miss me. Who I'll miss. And that only makes our bonds stronger. Our friendships will stand the test of time. Our friendships will be those rivaled by many, matched by few. To everyone, thank you so much for making my years this great. Thanks for being there. Thanks for shaping my life differently. Thanks for being you. And don't worry. This is only the beginning of the rest of our entire lives. After all, every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

And to everyone who feels like breaking down and crying and weeping and sobbing, don't. That's not what it's all about. Put your left foot in and put your right hand in, too. Shake them all about and take a step into the future. Reach for the stars. Jump to new heights. Take a leap of faith. Savor the past. Take in the present. And always, no matter, what, always remember to look forward to your future. Everyone has so much potential, and no matter how bad things seem now, whether you're moving, never going to see your friends again, going to a new school, or dying, remember that you have a great future ahead of you. You will be great. You will be awesome. You will be grand. You will do amazing things. You can do anything, if you just set your mind to it. Get back to the future, and take a step towards it. Approach it with a smile. With a laugh. Because when you look forward to something, it always seems to turn out better. So, thanks for everything. Thanks for making my future just a bit brighter. Thanks for listening.

6.21.2005

Book Of The Year

2 days, 2 hours, 13 minutes and 22 seconds
That's how much time was left when I started writing this post. As time slowly dwindles away, the events get bigger, the cheering gets louder, and the goodbyes get sadder. Today was our sports day and I screamed my lungs out cheering everytime we got a point and yelling at our teammates for sucking so bad. At the same time, it was Emily's last full day, and tomorrow, she'll be gone forever. Well, not forever. But it'll be sad, because I might never see her again. Not only is she going to 8th grade next year, but I'm going to faraway school. And then 2 days after that, I have to do the same to all but 19 of my friends. Michael, Ryan, Ashleigh, Morgan, Carly, Meredith, and Zach. Jordan, Steph, Kara, Jon, Alex, Sharifa, Chris, Meghan, and Kelly. Mary, Caitrin, Jessica, Rachel, and Sofia. Jessica, Aaron, Mariam, Stephanie, and Ed. Looking over the signatures in my yearbook, all saying I hope to see you, or see you hopefully, or come visit, it makes me sad. But I feel their joy. Who can't be happy at the end of the year? Besides, I'm not dead. I will say hi. I will remember. And I look at the other signatures. See you next year, or I look forward to high school with you, or can't wait for our high school years, and the like. And I smile. Widely. Who can help but feel happy when you have so many friends to comfort you? To help you? To hold you and scold you and share with you and have fun with, and everything friends do? No one. And I don't care how cheesy or cliche I sound, but when you have the gift of friendship and love, you have the greatest gift of all.

P.S. I will keep blogging.

6.20.2005

Saturday Night Fever

The party was awesome! We ate, we talked, we danced, and we watched Friends for 2 1/2 hours! Michael revealed his talent at DDR, Ryan shoved me into a table (but not like angrily, just playfully), Patrick put his feet on my TV, Jon was a loner, Kara screamed, Meredith, Carly, and Emily started a Jello fight, Morgan liked ponies, Amanda craved veggie burgers, Zach and Crystal sucked at DDR, Steph got tied to a pole, Chris made his dumb jokes, and we had a blast! It was one of the best parties ever, except for the fact that I had a temperature of 103 degrees for the first half of the party, and was cold, clammy, and sweating the other half. But I had so much fun!

On Sunday, I cruised through Oldtown with my parental units, and I bought two books I've had my eye on, The Eyre Affair by Jasper Fforde and Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk. The Eyre Affair takes place in a very strange 1985, with a SpecOps Agent named Thursday Next (weird name, but cool) investigating literary crimes. It's actually really good, as is Haunted. It's written by the guy who wrote Fight Club (the original book, not the script for the movie), and although the book is really weird since it's told from 25 different points of view, going in a cycle from an omniscient narrator, to a poem about one of the book's 23 characters, to a first-person narration by that character. It's very strange, but so far, it's been really good. I also saw Batman Begins on Sunday, and it was really good. It was darker than the other Batman movies, and though all the Batman movies are good, with the exception of a few (COUGH GEORGE CLOONEY COUGH), this one was really good, especially because it reveals how Batman becomes Batman.

Today, we got our yearbooks!!! But I lost all respect I had for Mr. McCollough. He kept telling us they had already called team 6 for yearbooks, when they hadn't. But luckily, Ms. Wilkinson, in the first nice thing I've seen her do, told him they were about to call Team 6, and she told us to go. The yearbooks are great, except for the cover and the color of the inside covers. I got a bunch of people to sign it, and I'm gonna bring it back tomorrow along with my disposable camera. I'm so excited! So I just though I'd let you know how this weekend went for me! Thanks for listening!

6.17.2005

Hard to Do

Morgan and I had a rift. It was a little ripple over Eugene. But it's over now. I hope. This is the e-mail I sent her to apologize:

I just finished talking to you. I wasn't mad at you, and I understand now what is going on. I just needed some space before I could talk to you again. Even if I was mad at you, I still wouldv'e wanted you to come tomorrow, and I hope you still are. I thought you and Eugene were going out again, but I was wrong. I assumed too much, and when you wouldn't answer me at lunch, it really hurt me. But you had a right to not to tell me. I am not entitled to your entire life. I'm sorry if you thought I was mad. I don't like Eugene because I thought you had learned from Matt; that you don't keep friends who are horrible to you. Hell, I was horrible to you. But what Eugene did wasn't what Matt did, and the two are completely seperate. Eugene deserved a second chance, and you gave it to him. You both gave it to each other. The worst loss of a friend is the loss of friend through a break-up. I know from personal experience. So I thought I'd let you know what was going on. I have to go. I love you, and I hope you can forgive me. I know I don't deserve it. But I can't stand not having you in my life. Cya later.

I would post Morgan's e-mail, but it's kind of personal. I hope she can forgive me.

6.16.2005

Jersey Guy

I just finished watching Garden State. Wow. What an awesome movie. Zach Braff is a really good actor, as is Natalie Portman. She was really funny, and I commend Zach for wiritng such an awesome script. I love the music, especially since I had the soundtrack before I saw the movie. This originally premiered at Sundance, and I just love those movies. They have this feel that is way different from regular movies, where they just like zone you into the movie. Napoleon Dynamite had the same feel, even though it's a completely different movie from this.

A while ago, when I bought the soundtrack, I checked out the website of the movie, and they had Zach's blog on it, so I started reading it. I feel like I know him now. He seem s like just a down-to-Earth guy. Then again, you don't no someone just because you know eveyrthing about their personal life. Well... I dunno. But it was a really great blog. I think I write something about reading it on my blog somewhere.

In other news, it turns out 22 people, including me, will recieve the Fleur De Lys. If she got an A on your final grade, and your final exam, then you get it. I can live with that. I'm really not a competetive person at all, and winning is definitely not the most important thing to me, but when I heard about it, for some reason, I just really wanted it. I guess I wanted what the guy who directed All-District Chorus this year was talking about: recognition. If you get an award or get an A, it's not as great if no one recognizes you, or says congratulations, or anything. I always remember that from him. Not the music, or the lyrics to the songs, but that statement. Strange. Well, I don't have anything else to write about, so I'll leave with that. Also, check out Garden Stae, or at least the soundtrack. They rock. Thanks for listening.

6.15.2005

Scramble

OH YEAH!! WHO BEAT CHRIS BY 98 POINTS IN SCRABBLE WITHOUT CHEATING???? I DID!!! :D OK, gloating over. I made two awesome plays, WIZEN on a triple-word for 51 points, and DRUMLINE using all my tiles for a 74-point bingo. And guess what? I looked up drumline! IT'S NOT A WORD! That's so dumb, yet so awesome! Yippee!

OK, there's some stuff I haven't had a chance to tell you, and now is the time.

I need the Fleur de Lys award. It's the award for the best French student. I NEED IT!!! Everyone thinks I'm going to get it, but I'm worried about Will Dooris. He got into TJ, won Honorable Mention in the Dupont Essay thing, has gotten straight A's all year, was student of the quarter, and probably a did a lot of things I don't even know about. Aargh!!! I want that award really bad! Not only is it the flower from the Priory of Sion from the DaVinci Code, but it's also a French award, and after working my butt off in French, I think I deserve some recognition.

I have also decided to stop saying "gay" and "retarded" in the sense of negativity. Gay only means homosexual, and retarded is only a disability. Somebody was retarded or gay (or both) would find that offensive, and I don't want to be the kind of person who offends people, because I know that it hurts. On that note, I also don't want to hurt people by saying "Your mom", so I am going to try my hardest to stop saying that, too. Wish me luck.

4 people like me, and I can't have a relationship with any of them for one reason or another. I won't name names, but it's super annoying. One's a crush, one's a long-time liking, one's a "please don't because I don't wanna break your heart", and the last is "other". I have issues.

OK, my end of the year party is in 3 days. My algebra final is tomorrow!!!! SCARY!!! AND THAT COUNTDOWN ON MY BLOG IS SHORTENING!!! AARGH!!! Time is dwindling away....

So I just thought I'd let you know what was going on in my life. Thanks for listening!

6.12.2005

Bad Influenza

So I wake up at 8 A.M. and I feel like crap. My head hurts, my throat is sore, my muscles are sore, too, I have a fever and my nose is stuffy. I lay there, extremely light-headed, and fall asleep, having this strange dream where I'm 4 different people, 3 guys and a girl, and we all have superpowers and superhero outfits. At around 9, my mom wakes up, and I tell her I feel horrible. She brings me orange juice and a pill, and I go back to sleep. I have the same dream, but now we're in the ocean on a big ship, and we're fighting people, but I can't tell who. At 10, I wake up again and drink more orange juice. I lay there, and have the dream again, except now, one of them has a girlfriend who is a supermodel. About 45 minutes later, I wake up when my mom brings me a pitcher of lemonade. I have the dream, and it turns out we're fighting a pirate ship full of supermodels. At 11, my dad is home, and I wake up again, and drink more lemonade. Each time I wake up, I feel a bit better. My dreams become less vivid, but the girlfriend of the guy gets stabbed and dies. I continue this routine until at about 1, when I'm feeling good enough, I eat 2 waffles and a glass of milk. After I finish, I watch TV for 30 minutes, then go back upstairs to sleep. My dreams stop, and I lay in my bed, half-asleep and half-awake. I fall asleep until 3:30, and I'm feeling a bit worse again. My fever has heated up again, but my throat no longer hurts, and my nose is just a bit stuffy. At 4:30, I wake up and do my civics homework. However, the noise of the sharpening of my colored pencils wakes up my dad. I finish my pie chart and I go back to sleep. When I wake up at 5, my parents are awake and getting ready to leave for a TJ meeting. I finally wake up for good, feeling much better, yet still sick-ish. I finish my homework, and after my parents leave, I call Morgan back. We talk, while I watch TV. After we hang up, I go upstairs to eat dinner. And then I become extremely bored. I HATE BEING SICK! It sucks so bad. I wish I felt better. Well, I thought I would let you know what a crappy day I had. :D Thanks for listening.

6.11.2005

For Dummies

How to Write a Deep and Thoughtful Blog Post People Will Want to Read
Have you tried writing on your blog, but all that comes out is how many pieces of pizza you ate today? Are you tired of meaningless pieces of information filling your blog? Wel,, you've found the right place!

Steps
1. Find a song that is sad, slow, deep, dreamy, floaty, thoughtful, and/or makes you want to cry, sob, remember, and/or sleep.
2. Play it at a reasonable volume on repeat and close your eyes for a while as you listen.
3. Open up your eyes once you feel floaty and dreamy enough.
4. Choose a deep topic you feel close to (e.g., nostalgia and rememberance, life and death, war and peace, racism and predujice, etc.).
5. Start with a sentence that captures people's attention, no matter how confusing. Use sentences like "At times, I'm trying to be a person who I want to be, but I find that trying to be that person makes me be who I am not.", not "I don't know who I am."
6. Continue on about the subject, as much as you can.
7. Once you feel like you've written as much you want (or can), end the post with a dramatic statement.
8. Finally, title your post. You can name it the title of the song you listened to, the title of a book or movie that coincides with your topic, a saying or idiom that relates to your post, or something that you make up yourself.

Tips
  • Use your heart and mind at the same time. Say things that you believe in and are true to yourself.
  • Make references to movies, books, songs, or anything. This only adds depth to your writing.
  • Don't worry if you end up talking about some topic completely different from what you started with. You can always end with something like this: "And now I've slowly drifted completely off topic from what I started talking about. Funny how that happens. It's like life."
  • At the end of your post, add a quote. They really spice up and dramatize your post. A line from the song you were listening to is great.
  • One word titles are great and easy to think up.
  • If you've used a word in your blog that emphasizes your topic/post, look up a synonym or the definition of that word, and use it as your title.
This How-To Article can also be found here.

Equilibrium

I don't think Ms. Hindenlang likes me very much. I think she thinks I'm egotistical, lazy, a liar, over-controlling, conceited, mean, and vain. She doesn't show it, but it's like I can sense it. It seems whatever I do in English, it always turns out to either be misconstrued as mean, or happen when I'm in a really crappy mood.

Sorry about that. I just had to get it off my chest.

Speaking of sorries (sorrys? sorry's?), sorry for sounding so morbid and bleak in my last post. I was feeling really low, as stated by the post's title. I was just feeling so down after all that had happened that day. Once you write it all down and really take it in, it just hits you hard. I could have written about something happy and ignored everything that had happened. But that's not optimism; that's ignorance. And though ignorance is bliss, over-magnification is horror. Focusing on every single bad thing that happened and viewing it as dark and horrible is just as bad. I guess the key is to take in the good and the bad, and contemplating, but not dwelling, on it; then, you look ahead with a positive, yet still realistic; grand, but not cocky; good, though not bubbly, outlook. I've realized the the key to happiness is balance and moderation. Be safe, but not over-cautious. Take risks, but don't be a daredevil. Have fun, but don't be a partyer all the time. Behave, but release your wild side when appropriate. Talk, but don't blab. Help, but don't carry. Have order, but don't be a neat freak. Compete, but don't be a sore winner or loser. Be nice, but not a pushover. Believe in yourself, but don't be cocky. Love yourself, but don't be vain. Take everything in balance. And then you'll reach your high point. The top of the world. Just don't fall off. :)

Thanks for listening.

6.10.2005

Low

In algebra, Ed tells me about his new studio equipment. Sam isn't talking to Stephanie, but Stephanie doesnt know why. A dead baby bird is found outside. As chorus is ending, I ask Jordan and Emily if they're coming to my house today. Jordan says no, because Patrick is coming. She tells me that she actually only liked Patrick for a few hours after the party when she said that, but after that, she didn't and that was why Jordan said no, not because she didn't want a boyfriend, which is what she told Patrick. And she also reveals that she now has a boyfriend too. So she tells me not to tell Patrick, but I have to. He deserved to know after what she did to him. So she yells at me and gets furious as I storm off. I tell Ryan my dilemma as the last day of dressing out in gym occurs. Ashleigh is missing on her birthday. I sprint to French to see the sub people were talking about, and he turns out to be the mean guy from algebra. I quietly sit so he doesn't bother me, shortly after he argues loudly with A.R. At lunch, John is down because his parents are making him play football and because they want him to play band. He wants to break down, but he can't. I have an idea of what he's feeling. We laugh and he cheers up a bit. I leave for the bus after English, where Patrick feels mad and sad at the same time because of Jordan. They fight online at my house while Emily, Morgan and I play SSX 3. Things aren't awkward between Emily and me at all, which is good. I was afraid we would turn into Liz and me. People go home. Morgan stays a bit longer and she gets bored. I can't excite her and she leaves. I feel empty for some reason. I eat dinner. I watch the MTV Movie Awards. I play the piano and come upstairs. I start writing this post. I start to cry. I break down. I wonder why I feel so sad. Patrick's relationship with Jordan is sinking. John's high school dreams are falling apart. Ashleigh's birthday isn't celebrated. Sam's ignoring Stephanie. Hearts break, hopes crumble, celebrations fail, shoulders turn cold, birds die, and people cry.

And we move on.

6.08.2005

Preprinted

This is a rant that I borrowed from my friend, Amanda, who borrowed it from a website called starlightmks.com- I'm putting this here because I totally agree with it-

If there's one thing that annoys me the most, it has to be people labeling themselves. So which "category" do you fit in? Prep? Punk? Goth? [insert name of other label here]? Ugh... it makes my head hurt just to think about it. Who came up with this stuff? Some insecure 14 year old trying to find their identity? The odd thing is that I don't encounter this problem too much in the real world, but it seems to be one heck of a big deal on the internet. Since you are an internet user, this article is for you. :-D

Isn't it aggravating how some people will judge you as a person based on whether or not you think Good Charlotte is "punk"? First of all, let's look at the definition of "punk". The dictionary definition most relevant to this would be "A young person, especially a member of a rebellious counterculture group". And that's all there is to it? Most people don't seem to think so. If you ask ten people what "punk" is, you will get ten different answers. Why? Because it's one of the many stupid labels made up by people who think they're really cool and original, so of course, it doesn't have one official meaning. Do you want to associate yourself with something that has a different connotation wherever you go? I sure wouldn't. Another sad thing is that people put these labels on music, clothing, and other things of that sort. It's too bad really. It narrows possibilities so much. I mean, are you really not going to listen to a certain kind of music at all because it's not "punk"? Are you really expressing your individuality by only wearing clothing that would be considered "goth"?

Many people claim that by labeling themselves with something other than "prep" makes them a unique person. Pretend for a moment that you're a "punk" or "goth" and you think you're really cool because of your label. The reason you labeled yourself is because you fit into that certain "category" right? Now how is that being original? If you dress just like all the other "punk" or "goth" people, act the same way, and listen to the same music, how is that different? If you answered "I don't know" or "it's not" to that question, you are right. Being different in the same way as other people doesn't quite make sense. But if you are a "goth" and claim that you don't listen to the same music and buy the same clothes as others in the group, you will probably be told by someone who considers themselves to be a "true goth" that you don't really fit into the category.

So you say "punk" is your lifestyle? Great. Go be a rebel. Disobey authority. Good luck to you when you wind up in jail someday because you thought it would be cool to set fire to the police station since a cop gave you a speeding ticket (after all, people who enforce rules are doing it just to limit your fun and it has nothing to do with safety or anything like that). If you think "punk" has nothing to do with being a rebel then tell Merriam-Webster to put your definition in the dictionary. If your definition of a word is not in the dictionary, then that's not what the word means and you need to expect people to be confused. The most common made-up definition of "punk" is something along the lines of being yourself, creating your own style, and not caring what other people think. Well why do you have to put a label on that? Why do you have to call yourself a punk if you're an original person? Why can't people just be people instead of "punk" people, "goth" people, "prep" people, etc?? AHHHHH! It doesn't make sense!

Okay before I start getting hate mail about this, I'm just going to clear up some things about me. I only call people preps who consider themselves preps. I also do not hate "preps". I hate people who act stupid even though they're not, dwell obsessively over their hair and makeup, consider themselves the most important thing in the world, worry about the most superficial things, and step all over people they think are less popular. Since this is the assumed definition of a "prep", I find it easier to just use that word. Also, I do not hate "goths". I hate the people who believe their life sucks and hate everyone and everything around them and hate life. I really think that's a dumb idea, cause you should be happy that you are alive. No matter how bad things are, as long as you're alive, things will always get better.

Have I made my point yet? Yeah, I think I have. This'll do for now. Anyway, I don't care if you consider yourself to be one of these labels, just don't try to force your opinions on me and I will do the same for you (meaning don't e-mail me about it). We can all agree to disagree and that's just peachy. I gave you my reasons, now all I ask is that you:

DON'T LABEL ME!


P.S. I edited this a little to match my opinon as well.

The Loneliest Number

So she said no. And Jordan said no to Patrick. Looks I'll stay single for a long time. Sigh. But I'll get over it. I always do. I guess.

Jordan was feeling really bad, cause he was sad when she said no. The last time he had a mutual liking was when she moved before he could make his move. He thought Jordan would say yes, because she said she liked him, but she was just leading him on. As was Emily. Girls. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

So today I presented my book report on Tangerine. I think I did good, cause Ms. Das whispered "Awesome." when I gave her my report. Maybe it was sarcasm. Whatever it was, at least my report was better than Alex Triplett's. I feel like I have this unspoken rivalry with him that he doesn't know about. I kept thinking, "I found his weakness: book reports." I always try to finish before him, and three times, I have, but he beat me to turn it in. On the SOL, and on a test where I forgot to write out work for a problem, and a quiz where I forgot to write my name. It's pretty scary. :D

We sung for the 6th-graders today! It was pretty fun, but I only saw 2 people I recognized; Kat from SACC and Mr. Curtis. I sung my heart out and I think our group did better overall (not because of me, but just something I noticed). I kept thinking that if 2 years ago, someone had told me what my life would be like now, I wouldn't have believed them. And before I go into a rant about rememberance, which have taken over my blog, I shall change the subject.

The new Coldplay album ROCKS! X & Y is awesome. My favorite songs on it are Square One, What If, A Message, and Swallowed By the Sea. I can't stop listening to it, and I've had it suck in my head all day. But in a good way.

So there's this thing I want to post on here, but it would enlarge this post by way too much, so I'll put it in a new one. Thanks for listening!

6.07.2005

What If

What if there was no life?
Nothing wrong, nothing right.
What if there was no time?
And no reason or rhyme.
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side.
That you don't want me there in your life.
What if I got it wrong, and no poem or song
Could put right what I got wrong
Or make you feel I belong
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life.
Oooh, that's right
Let's take a breath jump over the side
Oooh, that's right
How can you know it if you don't even try
Oooh, that's right
Every step that you take could be your biggest mistake
It could bend or it could break
But that's the risk that you take
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there in your side
That you don't want me there by your life.
Oooh, that's right
Let's take a breath jump over the side
Oooh, that's right
How can you know it when you don't even try
Oooh, that's right
Ohhhhh
Oooh, that's right
Let's take a breath jump over the side
Oooh, that's right
You know that darkness always turns into light
Oooh, that's right

Match Game

OK. I asked Emily out. On a date.

Gulp.

I was thinking about it a whole lot last night, and all I could think about was that if I didn't ask her out, I would go forever wondering what my life would have been like if I had asked her out. So following some good advice, I took a risk. I took a chance. I leaped. I jumped. I took the plunge.

And what did I get for my troubles?

"I'll think about it."

Girl talk for no. Aargh. I was all sweaty, and though partly due to the heat, it was also due to the amount of nervousness I was feeling. Even though I've asked out people before, never in person to someone I really liked this way. I had been practicing since this morning, and I still hadn't found a good way. "Hey. Wassup?" Too gangsta. "So I hear you're single." Too cocky. "Maybe we could, um, do, um something, um, sometime, you know, um, like, um, more, than friends?" Too stuttery. "You wanna be my girlfriend?" Too blunt. "I was wondering if you wanted to go to the movies with me next friday?" Perfect. Or not. So we're walking down the hall from chorus, and Jordan reveals to me she liked Patrick and Patrick liked her, so I'm excited, and it peps me up a little. I keep trying to talk to Emily, but she keeps saying bye to people. So we're about to seperate when I blurt out, "Emily, I was wondering if you wanted to go to the movies next Friday." She looks at me and says "I don't know. I haven't gone to a movie with people in a while. I'll have to ask my parents. I'll think about it." or something along those lines. And I let her go to lunch.

OK, first of all, "I haven't gone to the movies with people in a long time." People. As in more than one. As in not a date. As in "I don't want to go on a date with you." And second, I'll have to ask my parents. SO not. And that killer line, "I'll think about it." I wish she'd just have said no and let me down easily.

Maybe I'm reading too much into this. Maybe she really hasn't gone to the mvoies in a while. Maybe she does have to ask her parents. Maybe she will think about it. Maybe she will say yes.

I hope so.

Wow, am I geeky and desperate. I do want her to say yes, though. I really like this girl, and I don't want to lose her. Thanks for listening.

6.06.2005

One-Night Stand

So last night was Emily's party, and it was off the heezy! I didn't just say that, did I? Yeah, I did.
Well, it was really fun! Exhausting, but fun. I woke up today and my muscles were so sore. I am so tired, but taking a shower helped. Well, now about Emily's party. First of all, I got there an hour early, cause I thought it was from 5 to 10, when it was actually from 6 to 10. But her mom was OK with it, though she was EXTREMELY bubbly. (Emily denied it, but I know bubbly when I see it.) So we hung out, and we went it the moonbounce and then people started arriving. Practically everyone from our chorus class was there. So while all the preppy sevvie girls swarmed, I was the only sane person there, not to mention the only 8th grader. I was about to blow up, when finally Patrick arrived. We played DDR and some people got in the hot tub and moonbounce, but I stayed inside, cause of the heat. Then Mara got hurt, cause some mean guys there hit her with stuff. So they stayed watching TV, while several of us went out and sat in the moonbounce and talked. Jordan was all over Patrick, and I was all over Emily. It got really dark, and we got closer. I stroked her hair, and I started kissing her neck. I don't know if she noticed or not, cause she acted like nothing was going on. Maybe she didn't want anyone to know. But she didn't tell me to stop either. Everyone kept telling to ask her out, but I didn't want to. It was like that thing I have with Morgan, where I don't like her that way, but I like flirting with her. It's complicated and hard to describe. But whatever it is, I was doing the same thing with Emily. I don't know if these realtionships will ever go anywhere. Morgan has a boyfriend and Emily doesn't seem interested, but then again, she doesn't seem not interested. I dunno. So I guess I'll just keep living my life like this. Not taking any risks. Give me advice. Before I blow up! Thanks for listening.

6.03.2005

FYI: Freaky Yellow Instigators

OK, just so you guys now, Morgan and Patrick, I'm still friends with you. I just got super-pissed off at Leighton and I can't deal with him anymore. Most of the stuff was sarcastic, anyways, though I wouldn't change a word of it. I'm glad I got all that off my chest. From now on, all comments posted by Leighton will be deleted. Blegh, just saying that name makes me want o vomit. Blegh. Anyways, just wanted to let you know.

Another One Bites the Dust

I don't "classify" people. That's the last thing I'll ever do. I was just saying making an analogy. You don't have to bite my head off. What you're saying I do is exactly the opposite of what I do, and also the reason I'm not friends with you. I don't "pull people out" when I want to talk to them. That's what you did to Matt. You're only friends with him when he isn't annoying. Perhaps that works for you, but I can't just be friends with someone some of the time. If someone bothers me to that point, and it doesn't work out, I stop being friends with that person. I can't just decide, "Oh, hey, he's not being annoying or dumb or mean or scornful, so why don't I be friends with him for a few minutes until he starts being that again? Great! And this way, I can't ruin my poularity status I'm so dependent on because I have no realfriends, just a bunch of people who I hang out with, brcause they're not geeky and won't lower me and make me feel worse about myself!" I can't live like that. Oh, and sorry for thinking people care about me. I forgot that I have to be popular, rich, show-offy, and stuck-up to be cared about and worshipped. It just slipped my mind. Also, thanks for feeling sorry for me! I love it when morons who think they're perfect give me pity because I have no friends! After all, what's life without that good old pity? And don't worry, I'll have tons of fun with Morgan at my party for two! I mean, after all, I have no friends! Because I'm just a guy who hates everyone and is always does things for the wrong reason. I mean, the right reasons of course are lying, deceit, backstabbing, hurting the ones you care about, power, control, and hate. And I've got tons of hate! Cuase you know, I hate life and everyone and I wish everyone was dead! Duh! :D I just love hating people! But the only thing I love more that hating people is destroying my friendships! I just love throwing away great memories and what could've been if my "friends" weren't such stuck-up, prissy, bitches! HEY MORGAN? I'M NOT FRIENDS WITH YOU ANYMORE! YAY! THERE GOES ANOTHER ONE! Oh yeah and Patrick, same for you! And ever other great person in my life who cares about me! I hate you, too! Because I just love hating people randomly for no reason! Yay! :D Thanks for listening, you bastards!

Oh, oops! Did I say all that? I hope I didn't offend you. I'm sooooooo sorry, Leighton. I hope you can forgive me! You know I would never do that on purpose! Oh wait. YES, I WOULD. AND I'D DO IT ALL AGAIN IN AN INSTANT.

Wordplay

Although not so radical, there is truth in what is said.
The song of our life is waiting to be written.
Sound does not travel through space, but what is space but matter? Does space matter?
Inflation does not help the throat-impaired.
What goes up can stay up there if it pleases.
Bars may turn out their lights, but is it really closing time when you've just been born?
Theater reveals more than it appears to.
You can hide, but you can't run.
Lizardi is not plural for lizard.
Good advice not taken may as well have never been said.
Stereo systems are not smart enough to be right.
As much as you would like, offices don't belong in living rooms.
14 years later, the message was still as vague as it had been before.

Don't Speak

So today, I played SSX3, which is awesome, by the way, for like an hour. It's really fun. I played a while with my dad until my mo0m left for work, and then we left to go to Borders. I bought the books I didn't buy at Morgan's party, Velocity by Dean Koontz, and 4th of July by James Patterson. Sadly, I can't start them until after I finish Odd Thomas, which I can't finish until I finish Frankenstein. I'm trying my best to only read one book at a time, but it's SO tempting to read them all. I better update my sidebar for the new books.

I also am now Liz-ified with Paige. She hates me tons, and I was sick of her droning on about her stupid, idiotic "boyfriends" and crushes and stupid, meaningless things that happen, even though I listened intently, because Paige has a need to be listened to, because she doesn't get attention at home, and when she does, it's very negative. So I listened and always gave my input and advice, but whenever I'd talk about something small about me, which I rarely do, she's always be like "I don't care" or "No one cares, Kevin", and that pissed me off. So when she came up and yelled at me with Vanja, it was the last straw, and I yelled at her. Ashleigh and Ryan calmed me down, but I was really mad. So on the bus, I just told her to shut up and never talk, because she had nothing worth saying, and she got mad, too. So now we are Liz-ified. By the way, when I say that, I mean that not only are we not friends, but we cannot talk at all to each other. Like I said earlier, although I am not friends with some people, I can still talk to them as people. Also, I'm going to be friends with Patrick, because, though annoying at times, he isn't one of the people whose annoying-ness gets in the way of his other good qualities. He's funny and though lazy, can perservere when he wants to. Unlike Matt, whose annoying-ness and grossness (sticking wires in his braces, sucking pencils, picking his teeth with a pen), are too much for me. But like Abbey and Leighton and Suhmeda, I can still talk to him normally like a person. :)

So I just thought I'd let you know what was going on in my life right now. Thanks for listening!

6.02.2005

Personality-itis

OK, the movie was AWESOME! People laughed and Ms. Armitage thought it was good and everyone liked it, and it was GREAT! I also handed out the invitations for my party today, so I'm excited about that too.

I want love. No, I'm not a power-hungry, lonely, creepy, hobo who needs to be loved. I want love. Like true love. Like my soulmate. Like the love of my life. I want that person to walk into my life and take me with her. I want that person I can talk to anything about, the person who laughs at my jokes, and lights up my life. The person I can hold in my arms and whose head fits just perfectly in my shoulder. The person that gives my life meaning and strength and courage. That person. I want to meet her and never let her go. I want a true love. But I'm 14. Fat chance.
Who am I "supposed" to be? At times, I'm trying to be a person who I want to be, but I find that being that person makes me be who I am not. Which is strange. I mean, people say you shouldn't change yourself, but if you're a person who is mean and cruel and has no friends, but wants friends, shouldn't you change yourself? But if you're changing yourself so you can have friend, then aren't you just being untrue? But no one can like if you act like you do. It's so confusing. People say this and people say that. I am so tired of the stereotypes and the social rules we must abide by. But if we had no rules, then life would be too chaotic, like BS and KF. IJ. Sorry. Anyways, everything is so strange. I try to be balanced, but I'm not. My true self is different from what I'm trying to be. But I'm only trying to be a better person. But better in what sense? I don't know. And for what reason? Am I trying to be someone? I don't know. I don't think so. But then again, I'm trying to guide myself to be a type of person. But I don't want to be "a type of person". And the type of person I am is unique and I don't want to ruin that. But I'm trying to be the type of person that is kind and nice and listens and doesn't hold a grudge and expresses feelings in a healthy way and just calm. But if that isn't me, is it bad to want to be that person? WHY do I keep saying that person? I am me. And no one else. And my head is starting to throb.

I don't know where I'm headed. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know who I will be 20 years from now. I don't know who I will turn into. I don't know much. But I do know one thing.

I will always be me.


'Come down now,' they'll say. But everything looks perfect from far away. 'Come down now.' But we'll stay.

6.01.2005

Counting Down the Hours

The first day of June. 15 school days left. 2 quizzes today, 2 tomorrow. 2 finals next week. My end-of-year party is in 17 days. The last day of school is in just over 3 weeks. After tomorrow, it'll be a 4-day weekend. Our English project is due in 2 Wednesdays and my algebra project is due next Wednesday. Our French project is due tomorrow. I am no longer friends with Paige either. Morgan's best friend likes me, but the feeling is not mutual. The end-of-school dance is coming up soon. Our last concert is in 8 days. And the world will end in 24 hours.

Just kidding.

It seems everything is coming to an end. I don't remember ever being this sad about everything ending. Not in 3rd grade, or 6th grade, and DEFINITELY not last year. It seems very strange when I'm in class that none of this will matter anymore in a few weeks. Rewatching the second-to-last Smallville episode where they leave high school, it only made me feel worse. From here on out, everything will change. Just like that. In a New York minute. High school is a whole new ballgame, and all I can hope is that I make it to first base.

Thanks for listening.

5.29.2005

This Old House

So I've been going through my old stuff. And it's strange. I'm getting the feeling of nostalgia again, like when I was writing that short story, which I never finsihed, by the way. I found that book, Love That Dog, which I bout in 5th grade, and it's still just as sad and great as it was the first time I read it. I found the Stratford Landing Directory, too. The one with the school song on the back. The really corny one to the tune of "Grand Old Flag", which I used to be able to sing in 7 seconds.

I tried to find my Autobiography/Time Capsule Project from last year, but my mom says it's in the attic. It's for the better. It's only been a year and I'm going to wait until the last day of my senior year. I also plan to record a tape the day before the first day of my freshman. Speaking of this kind of stuff, a long time ago, November 19, I think, during the big essay thing we had to write in science, I did one of the experiements where I had to to write down EVERYTHING I did that day and then had to recall as much as I could one week later, 4 weeks, 3 months, 6 months and a year later. I set my cell to alert me, and a while ago, the 6 month alert showed up, but I didn't do anything about it. I wanted to see if I could last until November. I hope so. It's tempting, cause I wrote it on my cell, so I can access it anytime I want. But I won't. Just like I won't continue to look for the project. I want to hold out as long as possible. I don't knwo how I last, but I always do. Maybe it's because I become so preoccupied with other things that I don't remember to remember these things. Or maybe I'm just a patient guy. Either way, I can't wait to open that box again, and I can't wait to "graduate" form middle school and actually graduate from high school. But I don't want to leave this house. You would think that after all I've been through here, it would be the easiest thing to do. But this house is now a home; my home. There's a lot here to say goodbye too, and I'm just glad that goodbye won't be anytime soon.

Man, I need to talk about somehting cheerful. Lately, all my posts have been about rememberance, and nostalgia, and goodbyes. This is what you get for being so sentimental. Sigh. Oh well. Hopefully, I'll be blogging more happily and cheerfully, and maybe not about a big topic, and just for fun, after Morgan's party. I can't wait. (seriously, it's just that an exclamation point would be out of place in this post.) Well, it's late and I have to go. Thanks for listening. Seriously.

5.27.2005

The Commentators

It seems like everything's ending so fast. SOL's are over; Busch Gardens is over, which only leaves one concert and an assembly; all the parties and end-of-year celebrations are coming; today is the last Friday before the last month of school. And now there are only 15 days of school left. Everything's just ending too soon. I can't wait for my end-of-year party though. I gotta get the invites ready soon. Oh, and Morgan's party is on Monday, and my mom let me go!!! I'm super-excited cause I haven't been to a party in a long time, though I have had them. The end-of-year party is probably going to be June 18, and I'm gonna invite like everyone. So far, I'm gonna invite: Katie, Morgan, Michael, Spencer, James (though he probably won't come), John, Amanda, Crystal, Kara, Ashleigh, Emily, Jordan, Meredith, Steph, Ryan, Chris, Zach, Ed, Patrick, Mariam, Stephanie, and more. I might invite people like Nadya or Alex or Meghan, but I'm not sure.

Oh, before I leave, I thought I would respond to my feverous comments I've gotten over the past week and a half.

John: Thanks for calling my blog great; that means a lot.
Morgan: Don't go insane! Lol! Also, learn to control your anger a bit. ;)
Morgan: I wasn't at a party, I was in the cafeteria at school while the Math 8 people took their SOL. And your brithday will NOT be crap! I will personally make it my goal to see to it that your birthday is not crap.
Leighton: Thanks for reading my posts and it's strange that you keep up on my posts, even though we're not friends anymore. (I talk to people I'm not friends with normally, like Abbey and Matt and Suhmeda; I don't ignore them, so sorry if me talking normally to you seems strange) I think you misunderstood why I didn't wanT to be your friend anymore. It wasn't because I just decided, "OK, I'm bored. Why not destroy one of my best friendships? Genius!" As much as you might not belive me, you're not the person I met in 6th grade anymore. No one is, but you've changed in a bad way. Maybe you might not see it, and maybe a lot of people don't see it, but I see it. I'm not shunning you, either. I just can't be friends with you anymore. Try to understand.
Morgan: We're not fighting. I hope. This isn't a trial or a tribulation. It's just something that happened. And I'm not in control of your life. Me not being friends with you may have been a blessing in disguise, but I hope that you can forgive me. Yes, you were annoying, but I should've stayed friends with you. Maybe not. I don't know. But the past is the past. Let the dead bury the dead.
Meredith: Nothing major happened. No big fight or argument. No blowout. It just happened.
Leighton: Believe me, I thought we were cool, too. But as much as I try to hide the bad in my life from myself, I couldn't hide what you were turning into. You say you're friends with Matt sometimes, but for me, I can't live that way, being friends with someone when they aren't annoying only. If someone bothers me, I'm not going to force myself to put up with them, so I can have them as friend half the time. That's way I stopped being friends with Diana and Matt. I almost lost Morgan and Patrick this way, too. But I didn't. I don't ignore you. I just don't want to say anything that mgith end up in a blowout, making things worse.
Morgan: I'm not mad at Leighton. I can't blame someone for being the way they are. This is just somehting that happened. And this isn't a soap opera. I'm not buff. Or have a tan. Or dating 3 women while cheating on my wife and having drowned her ex-husband while my evil twin brother lies in a coma.
Emily: OH YEAH!! 1-800-SEXY!!!
Morgan: We called you remember? We had fun anyways! And we text-messaged! Naughty, naughty!
John: Roman Rapids is like AWESOME!!! Though it can't beat the Popeye rapid ride at Universal Studios Islands of Adventure!
Morgan: Yes. I love art and how you can express yourself.

OK. I hope this can clear up any issues that have gone on. Thanks to everyone who's made my blog possible, like Google and all my readers, who have made my counter go past 3,333 hits! Thanks! Keep on reading! Keep on commenting! Don't be afraid to say what you want on my blog as comments! That's what we're hear for. To speak. To talk. To express ourselves. Thanks for listening.

5.26.2005

Golden Dawn

I just finished reading Tangerine. And I've used 5 tissues and cried 3 times. It was so frustrating seeing Paul and how I couldn't help him, mainly becuase he's not real. But I sort of felt a connection with him. There's so much stuff I'm scared to tell people, but I never can. And just like his parents, mine don't see anything either. And they never will. As much good that happens in my life, it's always offset by bad. But when you don't tell anyone about the bad, all people see is the good. The bad is nullified, just like all the Lake Windsor High football records. I felt that hatred, that I've felt so many times, toward Erik, a fictional character in a book. Maybe Erik stands for someone else in my life. I don't know. I just don't know.

I'm surprised how good the book was. I wish I had read it before. I sat down an hour ago and read about 150 pages in one sitting. It was really good. It's just one of those books like and Blind-Sighted, which just really hit me hard with the emotions. I think that's why I want to be a writer. So I can share those emotions that everyone feels with them. Reading what you can't say out loud is a strange feeling. You realize that you can't reveal them, but by the end, you feel better. You feel refreshed. As if you'd just eaten a nice, crisp, seedless, juicy, perfect tangerine.

I wish I could say what I want. We have this so-called "freedom of speech", but I can't bring myself to use it. I don't know if freedom of speech is a blessing or a curse. Only when I'm here can I say what I want. Without worrying how I'll be judged. How people will think of me. Who will yell at me for saying what I want to say. Who will despise me after they read that I don't want to be friends with them anymore because they've turned into a different person. This stupid world of popularity status and who we're seen with taints the innocence we habe when we're younger. When we don't know anything about the world, and our curiosity about everything is in its prime. But we're silenced. We stop being amazed by the greatness of everything. How an elephant moves. How sharp a knife is. How well a house is built. How a butterfly flaps its wings. It bores us. And we move on. We take it for granted. And we move on. We forget how it first enchanted us. And we move on.

5.21.2005

Best Trip Ever

The trip of a lifetime. My last music trip ever. The time of our lives. Was it?

Yes.

OK, I had the most besterest time EVER yesterday. EVER. It was freaking awesome with a CAPITAL A-W-E-S-O-M-E. EvErything WAS grEAt!!! I WEnt On a tOn Of ridES and it was just AWESOME. We went on Roman Rapids 3 times in a row and got soaked and I like was screaming in Curse of DarKastle and I stuffed 2 funnel cakes down my throat in ten minutes and I had fun with Emily and Zach and Ryan and Jordan and Michelle and Jessica and Morgan and I took some pictures and I got a ton of inside jokes which are in my AIM profile and I had awesome fun and so much awesomeness!!!! I had the best time EVER!!! Just thought you'd like to know.

5.19.2005

And I Feel Fine

My world is Fallign apartt. Eveyrthings' goign so Wrong. lEIGHTON ogt mad at me. I foudnd out Morgan changed herslef for me, the last thign I wnated, adfetr how i treated her. my englsih grade is zoomign AWAY. iM becoming meaner TO some poeple. people r haiting me evenmore. i cant stop being sadd. i never WANTEDE to lose my frieinds. i jsut Expected to it to ahpen, AFter how I RTAETED some peopl,e I SHOULD hav expected it. EVYTHINGs going wrong

5.18.2005

Breakaway

So I'm in the school cafeteria, and I've been here for the past 2 and a half hours with about 200 other people doing nothing.

I don't want to be friends with Leighton anymore. We've kinda been moving apart, but now I've realized that he's not the kind of person I want to know. He's just like everyone else, putting on different masks for different people. When will this stupid school facade end? I stopped doing that a long time ago. And I know he'll read this and post a comment and probably make a good point I overlooked, but I don't care. He's just another friend who wasn't. And so begins the slow and painful loss of friends. As long as I tried to evade the inevitable, it's here. And it's happening. First Abbey, then Suhmeda. And now this.

This cafeteria lock-in hasn't been all bad. Some N*sync fans and I sung their songs. I died of laughter. I'm growing closer to Stephanie, more than I thought I would, even though it won't go past friends. I met one of Liz' friends, and though being super-preppy and a friend of Liz's, she was OK. So today so far was OK.

I really want to get out of here, even though I don't want to go back to class. I feel so exhausted. Not just today, but every day. As much as I think I'm going to miss the last 2 years, I want it to be OVER. I'm sick and tired of these stupid insignificant issues we deal with everyday. What should I wear? What's I got on my test? Who's dating who? I just want it to be over. I have top break away from the torture of everything in out lives. I just need to get away from everything. But, sadly, I can't. Thanks for listening.

5.14.2005

Laid Forward

My friends are smart. And right. I shouldn't be asking questions, but instead finding answers. I will find answers. Like I say, life is what you make of it. So I'm going to make my life the best it can be. :)

So today was super boring. I woke up at 4, went to sleep woke up at 8, ate, watch tv for a half-hour, then went back upstairs and listened to music for an hour, then woke up, then returned to bed at 11 and slept til 1. Then I swept the leaves outside for like 35 minutes until I realized I'd been sweeping the same spot the entire time. Then I ate cake. So then I watched TV, surfed the web, ate dinner, had a short voice-chat with Leighton, and then watched TV again. Then I watched TV with my mom and then my dad came home and then I came up here and started writing this post. B. O. R. I. N. G. But I'm not so bored anymore. So I just thought I'd tell you what I did today. :) Thanks for listening.

P.S. I have serious issues. For the past 15 minutes, I've been trying to come up with a title for this post. For some reason, every post title has to perfectly fit the post. Aargh. I still don't know what

5.13.2005

A Movie Script Ending

Isn't it strange when you're hyper and tired? Happy and bored? Excited and exhausted? It's weird. Well, that's how I fee right now. I'm really hyper but I can't stop yawning.

Today is Friday the 13th. And my blog's 5-month anniversary.

What will happen to us? Our friendships, I mean. Ashleigh and me. Morgan and me. Leighton and me. Michael and me. All these people I will only see during parties or randomly bumping into them in stores, which I hate anyways, no matter who it is. I feel so vulnerable there. Anyways, what does gonna happen? I don't know, but I feel myself getting closer and moving farther away from different people. I mean, I'm friends with so many people, but some are pushing themselves, or I'm pushing them, away, and some are getting closer than I ever thought. I thought Morgan was really annoying before and now she's one of best friends. I barely knew John Butchko 2 months ago, and now I hang out with him all the time. I used to be really good friends with James and Michael, and now I only see them at their lockers or on the bus or the occasional sentence in class. What happened to us? Not just me. Everyone. Everyone's changed so drastically since I first met them. Do I even know them anymore? I don't know. And I have noticed something HORRIBLE that kills me. Remember Tom? I didn't think so. Tom Minogue was one of best friends 4 months ago. In the past month, I've seen him 3 times. He's switched to a different gym period, and he took our friendship with it. I'm not saying it's his fault. I mean, like, we just never saw each other except in the halls once every blue moon, so we never hung out, and we pretty much barely know each other anymore. It's sad, because I still go to the same school as him, yet I never see him. Now I'm going to a completely different school many miles away with different schedules and maybe I will lose these people too. I know I said the opposite in an earlier post, but even though I won't forget you, maybe I will lose you. I'm starting to realize why Diana was so skeptical of going, and still is. It's too late for me, and even if it wasn't, I'm not so sure I'd want to not go. I guess I just don't know. How different my life would be if I hadn't gotten in. Just how I wonder what would've happened if I'd taken the bus on Mary Baldwin instead of Dartmouth. What would've happened if I'd moved to Virginia a month later. A month earlier. What if, what if, what if. I hate those words so much. Why can't I stop wondering what if, and just move on? Because I like the past. I like reflecting on the past and learning from my mistakes.

I was talking to people about how much I'm going to miss middle school. In just 2 years, I did so much, met so many people, and had so many experiences. I may not be missing the school or the teachers, but the experiences that occurred while I went here are going to be missed. Even the bad ones that made me stronger and the great ones that made me better. In two years, I had 3 girlfriends, completely changed my outlook on life, lost my closest friend, broke down and cried, wrote so much, went through two cell phones, made tons of friends, had 6 parties, read so many books, got into so many bands after liking only 2, and learned so much about everything. And now that we're splitting up, I feel like it's senior year and we're all leaving to go to different colleges. It makes me feel sad. Really sad. Where are we going? What are we going to do? Who will we meet? What will life teach us? Will we have a happy ending?

What will happen to us?

Bed of Inspiration

Music
I love music. It can get you up and alive with just one note.
It plays / I
in the / get
back / up
ground / and
with / dance
a / like
tune / I’ve
all / never
its / danced
own. / before.
the / Like
rhythm / a
and / wild
the / jungle
beat / animal
of my heart / I flail my
make their music / arms every where.
together in harmony / My pulse races fast
as one voice singing the / as I rejoice in the beauty
same soulful song. It / of the wonderful music
fills me with love and / I am surrounded by.
my heart plays the / I smile because
piano of joy / I am with my
softly. / music.



Medley
There once was a man from Peru,
And everything was blue to him.
He left his house and encountered
Two roads that diverged in a yellow wood.
He couldn’t make up his mind, so he ran
On little cat feet.
He bumped into a man that was selling
Sunshine on a cloudy day.
He replied that he didn’t like it in a box or with a fox or in the rain or on a train.
So the man from Peru asked him,
“Do you know the Muffin Man?”
Because that is the question.
The man answered,
“Elementary, my dear Watson.
It is the beating of his hideous heart!”
This made no sense, so he left and met his ex-wife, who was sobbing.
“Don’t cry for me, Argentina,” he said,
“Even though it is the best and worst of times.”
And they lived happily ever after.

Wickedly Strange
Should I rhyme this strange poem?
Should I give it a name?
Should I make it dramatic,
or comically lame?
How many stanzas
Should my limerick have?
But limericks don't have stanzas!

I know that last line
Didn't rhyme.

And neither did that one.
I'm sure of that.
MAYbe my poem should've been short,
like the one 'bout the fat cat.
Maybe this poem is dumb,
and maybe I'm a bum.
But I write poetry for fun,
even under the sun.

OK, that made no sense whatsoever.

What? So? Ever! I said,
and I'll say it again!
Whatsoever's a word,
and it's my new best friend.
Can you believe I have
A dictionary of rhymes?
Man, do I like
wasting my time.

So I must end this
wickedly strange poem somehow,
But how? How?
I must end it now!
So I'm too lazy to work
and I don't feel like trying.
So how about I end it,
by saying Goodbye... ing.